One Month

It has been one month since Micah went to the arms of Jesus. We miss our cute little boy so very much. We miss his big, toothless smile. His cackling at Sadie. We miss how he would pull at his ear when we was tired. I miss how he would coo and kick his legs in delight at seeing me come home from work every day. We miss bath time and story time.

Thanks for all of your prayers, your emails and phone calls, for following the blog, and all your support. Please continue to pray for us, particularly next Wednesday. That day, we meet with the head of medicine at Children's Hospital in the morning, and Heather will be taking her CPR recertification class in the afternoon. Thanks.

Castaway from God?

At the end of the movie, "Castaway," Tom Hanks's character (the "castaway") is sitting in a dark room with one of his friends, lamenting the fact that, because of his years spent alone on the deserted island, his ex-girlfriend is now married to another man. When his friend asked him how he kept the will to keep living, the Hanks character responded, "I just kept on breathing." While I understand this it is only a Hollywood script, I've often thought that a Christian would hopefully have had a better response --perhaps referencing a Biblical passage or a deep theological truth.

During these days following Micah's death, I feel that, on many days, the best I can say is, "I got through the day, and the best I can say about it is that I am still breathing." Even after digging into scripture, after the encouragement of emails and sympathy cards, there are days that we still don't feel the presence of God. The grief is just too great. No great spiritual discernments; no breakthroughs in our grief; no great achievements at work or at home.

But God is present in my life whether I feel his presence or not.
"You know when I sit and when I rise up;
you discern my thoughts from afar. (Psalm 139:2)
Where shall I go from your Spirit?
Or where shall I flee from your presence?
If I ascend to heaven, you are there!
If I make by bed in Sheol, you are there!
If I take the wings of the morning
and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
even there your hand shall lead me,
and your right hand shall hold me.
If I say, "Surely the darkness shall cover me,
and the light about me be night,"
even the darkness is not dark to you;
the night is bright as the day,
for darkness is as light with you. (Psalm 139:7-12).

While I often feel like I am a castaway, I continue to trust, through faith, that I am never cast away from God's presence.

God's Sovereignty and God's Purposes

At the end of the book of Job, God answers all of Job's questions about his sufferings by discussing not the "Why" but the "Who." God's response is essentially, I am who I am, and there is no other. In response, Job says of God, "I know that you can do all things, and that no purpose of yours can be thwarted." Job 42:2.

The sovereignty of God is so important to me because I fight the fight of faith to believe that my son's death is not ultimately because of a pea. I fight to believe that (1) God caused Micah to fall out of his high chair, aspirate the pea and develop pneumonia and (2) God chose NOT to heal him, even though He had the power to do so. Because God is in control, he is able to accomplish His purpose for Micah's life.

Why, God, did you purpose for Micah to live on this earth only 9 short months? If God is in control, then I must come to grips with the fact that God's purposes are not necessarily consistent with my human-centered purposes. Using my human reasoning, I cannot think of any reasons, alone or together, that are sufficient justification for the loss of my son. But God is not ultimately concerned with our purposes for Micah or with our sense of Micah's entitlements to a long life, a college education, a good job and his own family.

I cannot now understand God's plans for glorifying himself through Micah. But my hope is that God, the maker and sustainer of all things, sovereignly fulfilled his purposes for Micah. My hope is that many, many years from now (perhaps thousands), I will come to understand what purposes God achieved through Micah's short earthly life.

No Aspirin!- from Heather

I heard back from the Medical Examiner the other day and he notified us that the Aspirin issue was in fact a false positive, which was a relief! He also made his final conclusion on the reason for death and they are ruling it an accidental death from the fall, which lead to Micah aspirating the pea, then developing pnuemonia, and choking. I am relieved to know that the case is closed from the Medical Examination standpoint but we continue to have questions relating to Micah's care and why he ended up dying from all of this. I called the chief medical doctor at Children's and set up an appointment for the beginning of September to discuss in detail the events leading up to Micah's death. I am hoping to get closure and our questions answered so we can continue our grieving without the mystery of "how" he died.
Thank you all so much for your encouragement and prayers during this time...we feel so loved and continue to daily need prayer. I have felt that it isn't getting any easier to grieve our son and in fact some days seem to be more difficult. We appreciate you all so much!
I continue to cling to one of my favorite verses:

Romans 15:13 (ESV)

"May the God of all hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope"

Living by Faith

We trust that God is with us and will give us the strength to get through each day. But we have struggled with sensing God's presence with us, particularly over the last few days. Where are you, God, in the midst of our great sorrow?



In Psalm 6:6,7, David cries:

"I am weary with my moaning

every night I flood my bed with tears;

I drench my couch with my weeping.

My eye wastes away because of grief;

it grows weak because of all my foes."



We feel like David- weary from our grief. During these difficult days we don't FEEL God's presence. We am finding out what it means to live "by faith, not be sight." 2 Corinthians 5:7. We must continually fight the fight of faith, day-by-day, moment-by-moment to trust in God's goodness to us when our experiences and emotions tell us otherwise.

We are appreciate of your comments to us on the blog. We are encouraged by your continued prayers and support.

The Promise of Heaven

In our grieving, we are clinging to God's promise that we will see Micah again. We wish that scripture was more clear about the exact nature of Heaven and of Micah's current life. Is he growing older, or while he be a 9-month old until the Second Coming? Does he need to eat? Does he still like to giggle at dogs? Does he like to throw his food to the dogs? Is he able to swim? Does he sit in the grass and pull the blades? As Micah's parents, we want to know not only that he is happy and safe, but also what life is like for him. While we wish scripture was more clear on the subject, scripture does give us three promises that we can cling to:

1. We will see Micah again in the presence of God.

In 1 Thessalonians 4:13-18, Paul says,
"But we do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, that you may not grieve as others do who have no hope. For since we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so, through Jesus, God will bring with him those who have fallen asleep. For this we declare to you by a word form the Lord, that we who are alive, who are left until the coming of the Lord, will not precede those who have fallen asleep. For the Lord himself will descend from heaven with a cry of command, with the voice of an archangel, and with the sound of the trumpet of God. And the dead in Christ will rise first. Then we who are alive, who are left, will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air, and so we will always be with the Lord. Therefore encourage one another with these words."

We do not need to grieve as the world grieves. We live in the hope that God will bring Micah (and all our other loved ones who were in Christ) with Him at the Second Coming. We will be caught up together WITH THEM (our predeceased family and friends) in the clouds. We will ALWAYS be together worshipping the Lord. What sweet assurance--that we can worship Jesus Christ together with our little Micah.

2. We will recognize Micah immediately.

When Jesus was transfigured along with Elijah and Moses before Peter, James and John, these three disciples were able to recognize Elijah and Moses. Matthew 17:1-4. This is noteworthy, of course, because Peter, James and John never personally met Elijah and Moses, and none of them knew what Elijah and Moses looked like.

As described in his book "Heaven," Randy Alcorn believes that we will recognize one another immediately "perhaps as a result of distinguishing characteristics emanating through their physical appearance." Alcorn, Heaven (adapted), page 49. If we will recognize Elijah and Moses through distinguishing characteristics, how much more will I be able to recognize my son Micah?

Will we recognize Micah because of the big muscles he developed from years of swimming? (At only 9 months of age, Micah loved to swim in the lake!) Will we recognize him by his smile? His toothless smile? His "spiky" white blonde hair? I wait in eager anticipation of that first appearance of my son and my first embrace with my son.

3. Our relationship with Micah in Heaven will be much closer than the relationship we had with Micah on earth.

In 1 Corinthians 13, Paul describes how the spiritual gifts of that age will pass away at the second coming. All of our current abilities and gifts will pale in comparison to the new reality that will be the New Heaven.

"...As for prophesies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when the perfect comes, the partial will pass away. ...For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known." 1 Corinthians 13:8-12.

Our sensory perceptions on this earth are imperfect. So also are our closest personal relationships. But Paul says that we will no longer see "in a mirror dimly." During Micah's short life, Heather and I tried to demonstrate our love for our son by how we cared for him. But Micah was obviously too young to communicate with us. We believe that Micah understood, as much as he could, our great love for him. Unfortunately, we were not able to verbalize our love to him.

According to this passage, in Heaven our relationships will be perfect-- we will be able to perfectly communicate our love to our son, and he will be able to understand our great love for him. We look forward to that day when we will be able to hold him again, to tell him how much we love him, and for him to understand our love for him.

God's Answer to My Anger

I have felt increasingly angry about Micah's death. Angry at the medical personnel. Angry at God. In fact, there are times when I think, "If God would take me now, I would have a few, short questions for God as to why He took Micah's life when He did." I really want to shake my fist at the Lord and ask, "Why?!" Heather and I have so longed for a child. Why did God give Micah to us, only to take him away after 9 months?

In the course of all human history, I am not the only one to feel injustice, pain and sorrow. And I am not the first parent to lose a child to disease, war, murder, or suicide. I've realized that I am not the first parent to have questions of God.

Scripture provides us with a glimpse of whether I even would be able to ask my questions of God.

In Isaiah 45, verses 22-25, the Lord says,

"Turn to me and be saved,
All the ends of the earth!
For I am God, and there is no other.
By myself I have sworn;
From my mouth has gone out in righteousness.
A word that shall not return:
To me every knee shall bow, every tongue swear allegiance.
Only in the Lord, it shall be said of me, are righteousness and strength;
To him shall come and be ashamed all who were incensed against Him.
In the Lord all of the offspring shall be justified and glory."

Only in the Lord are ALL righteousness and strength. As unrighteous as Micah's death appears to me now, someday I will know God's way for Micah, and realize that this way was (and is) supremely righteous. I will not be able to use God's promises of righteousness and strength against him ("A word that shall not return") because I ultimately will see God's righteousness at work in the death of my only son. All who were "incensed" with the Lord through Micah's death will be ashamed.

Instead, immediately upon my perception of God, I will fall to my knees and worship the only true source of righteouness. I will, along with Isaiah say,
"Woe is me! For I am lost; For I am a man of unclean lips, and I dwell in the midst of a people of unclean lips; for my eyes have seen the King, the Lord of Hosts!" Isaiah 6:5. And with the seraphem, we will worship God for his righteousness, crying out "Holy, Holy, Holy, is the Lord of Hosts. The whole earth is full of His glory!" Isaiah 6:3.

Still No Answers-from Heather

I had a phone call on Monday from the Medical Examiner who performed Micah's autopsy and he said that they discovered Asprin in Micah's system. He had called to question me to see if we had possibly given him Asprin. This was quite disturbing to me as we don't even have Asprin in the house and I know that it is not safe for children. He warned me that it could be a false positive but they were going to resubmit the blood work to see if it was infact Asprin and if so, was there a lot in his system. He stated that none of the medical records from Children's indicated that Micah was given Asprin and there would have been no reason any medical professional would have administered it. How frustrating! I wish we could just get some closure from the medical standpoint, but it keeps going.
The Medical Examiner also indicated that they found pneumonia on his left lung...which was a suprise to us as we were told it was only in his right lung. And how could he developed pneumonia in his left lung when he was treated the day before with high doses of antibiotic? There seems to be more questions than answers at this point. I struggle with trying hard to figure out what happened medically and just letting it go. I know that regardless this was part of God's plan but my doubt and frustrations with him being gone seems to take over. I pray that we can get closure with the reason for death and get some final answers so we can begin to heal at a deeper level. I just miss him SO much and this isn't getting any easier!

Does Jesus Weep With Us?

We trust that Jesus understands our grief and is weeping along with us.

Following Lazarus' death, Jesus appeared to Mary and Lazarus' family. When Jesus saw Mary and the others weeping, he was greatly troubled. When he saw Lazarus' body, he wept.

Jesus is the "I am." Before the world was created, He was. He is above space and time. Jesus knew that He would raise Lazarus from the dead and he wept anyway. He wept not because the "end result' was that Lazarus would be confined to the grave, but because he sympathized (or empathized ??) with Mary and Lazarus' family.

The "end result," in our case, is a joyful reunion between Micah, Heather and me. Even though we trust that we will someday see him again, we grieve and weep because we love our son and we miss him. And even though Jesus knows the same end result, he understands our grief and weeps along with us.

The power of medicine and the power of God

We were recently notified that some of the medical staff in the intensive care unit and the emergency department at Children's Hospital are still thinking about Micah's case. They, like ourselves, are trying to determine how this small incident of a fall could turn into such a tragedy resulting in death. Why weren't the doctors and paramedics able to get him to breathe and live again? Even with the aspirated pea in one of his lungs, why wasn't he able to use his other lung to breathe? How did the pneumonia spread so fast, especially given that he received medical care, with high doses of antibiotic, in each of the previous four days?

Whether or not our modern medicine should have saved him, the plain fact of the matter is that modern medicine, in its own right, absolutely failed my son. How much have I (and we) trusted in modern medicine? But is modern medicine the sustainer of life or is God?

When going to war, King David could have based his decisions on the size of his army vis-a-vis the size of his opponent's army. Instead, he trusted in the Lord. "Some may trust in chariots, but we trust in the name of the Lord our God." Psalm 20:7. King David was victorious in battle because the Lord, not David, caused it so. Psalm 22.

Pontius Pilate thought that he had control over whether Jesus lived or died. John 19:10. But Jesus made it clear to Pilate that ultimate authority was in God's hands. John 19:11.

Three weeks ago, I thought that Micah was in good health. That Micah would go to kindergarten. That I would grow old with Micah. That Micah would be at my bedside when I died. God had other plans. Micah's death was not ultimately because of an aspirated pea, pneumonia, or a fall from a high chair, but because of God's sovereign (currently unknown) plan.

"Your eyes saw my unformed substance;
in your book were written, every one of them,
the days that were formed for me [Micah],
when as yet there was none of them." Psalm 139:16.

Strength for Each Day

Two weeks ago this morning, Micah stopped breathing and was rushed to Children's Hospital, where he died the next day. We are so overwhelmed by grief that we have been unable to plan our lives in the absense of our little boy. It is difficult to plan one day ahead. We have found that it is too overwhelming to think of going through our future without our little boy. The thought of going through weekends, upcoming family events, Micah's birthday, the holidays, and EVERYDAY is awful.

Instead of looking to the future, we have tried to live day-by-day, moment-by-moment. We are constantly bombarded by anger, despair and deep emptiness. We have found that we need to constantly immerse ourselves in the promises of scripture. To hold on to Jesus. To trust that he will give us the strength to keep going.

Psalm 73:6 says,
Whom have I in heaven but you
And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you.
My flesh and my heart [and my son Micah] may fail
BUT GOD is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

We have found that our only hope for the future is to trust that God gives us the strength to make it through each day. Our future is centered around the strength that God provides us through Jesus Christ. At Micah's funeral, one of the hymns we sang was "Day by Day."

Day by Day, and with each passing moment
Strength I find to meet my trials here.
Trusting in my Father's wise bestowment
I've no cause for worry or for fear
He, whose heart is kind beyond all measure
Gives unto each day what He deems best
Lovingly its part of pain and pleasure.
Mingling toil with peace and rest.

Every day the Lord Himself is near me
With a special mercy for each hour
All my cares He fain would bear and cheer me
He whose name is Counselor and Pow'r
The protection of His child and treasure
Is a charge that on Himself He laid
As they days, they strength shall be in measure
This is the pledge to me He made.

Victory over death

Heather and I have received many condolences to "remember Micah fondly." We greatly appreciate the condolences, and we will certainly remember our Micah fondly. However, these memories in themselves are not the source of our hope. If memories were our only consolation in death, then death would certainly be the victor over us and our son. But memories of our son are not our only hope. Our only hope for victory over death is Jesus Christ.

1 Corinthians 15:54-57 says,
"When the perishable puts on the imperishable, and the mortal puts on immortality, then shall come to pass the saying that is written:
Death is swallowed up in victory.
O death, where is your victory?
O death, where is your sting?
The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ."

A close friend of mine explained to me that after he lost a family member unexpectedly, the prospect of his own death was far more palatable. In death, not only could he embrace Jesus face to face, but he could also reunite with his family member. For me, now that Micah has passed away, my desire for Heaven has increased significantly.

I have wonderful memories of Micah during his 9 short months on earth. But they are no substitute for the walks, the play time, the story time and the meal time that I have already missed with my son over the past 2 weeks. If I live another 45 years on earth, I live in the hope that these 45 years would pass quickly. I will live in hope that through Jesus Christ, I will see my son again.

A blessing from Mexico

Earlier today, Heather requested that people provide us with any blessings (however large or small) that came from Micah's death. I (Cory) recently received this message from my friend from my Wheaton College days, Jonathan Rockness. Besides being a father himself, Jonathan is a youth pastor at a church in North Carolina. Jonathan recently took his youth group on a mission trip to Mexico. Here is his message:

Well this will be hard to put into words, but I'll give it a go...I was in Mexico, leading a group of youth on a mission trip when I got the news late Tuesday night. All day Wednesday I felt deeply burdened by the news. I have always had a soft spot for Cory and taken joy in his joys. Now I was finding that I took great sorrow in his sorrows. I wasn't even going to tell my wife until we got back from Mexico because I didn't want the sorrow to distract her. However, Wednesday night, our group was singing "It is Well With My Soul," a hymn written by a man in the wake of losing his family. I really had to question if it would be well with my soul if I were in Cory's shoes. This led to a pretty emotional reaction for me, as I was unsure of the answer (I have a one-year old and could not get her out of my mind either.) Well, I think my emotions opened up our kids to the work of the Holy Spirit, because before I knew it there was an outpouring of emotions within our group. After singing we prayed and began sharing what was going on. God was moving in a magnificent way -- convicting people of sin, helping them deal with undealt with family issues, and comforting those with anxieties and fears. It was not emotional -- it was spiritual. I have never been a part of anything like it. The Holy Spirit, the Comforter, was at work and we were being blessed in an awesome way.I must also say that going into the week I had been dry spiritually. My affections were not for God. I think that the devastating news rocked me into getting back in touch with God and with my own soul.I also realized during the worship time, that our God knows the pain of losing a son. I had begun to wonder how God could put someone through this...and that is when I realized the obvious -- he put himself through this for us. My prayer is that Cory and Heather may know more intimacy with God as they have this most brutal pain in common with Him.In short, I honestly believe that Micah's passing helped open up 35 young people and adults to the work of the Spirit. I know it did that to me. Isaiah 61:1-3

Request from Heather

In order to find some joy out of Micah's death, I have decided to begin journaling a list of blessings, small or big miracles, or anything that will make me smile as a result of Micah's passing. I am requesting that if anyone has a story or just a word or two that has brought happiness to any of you as a result of Micah's death, please share it with me! I have been struggling with the tremendous amount of grief and sadness over the past week and a half but I keep hearing little things that bring a smile to my face. Micah brought me so much joy in his 9 months of life and I want to continue to experience that joy even after he has left us! Thank you.

From Heather

I just got off the phone with the paramedic that responded to our house on that Sunday morning. (The hospital gave me her phone number if I wanted to contact her in the future). She expressed her sympathy to me on the phone and told me that she was aware of Micah's passing through continued contact with the hospital. She also shared we me how difficult this whole tradegy has been on her and her partner that responded. She said that as paramedics, they are trained not to "bring work home" and since they are involved in so many accidents and deaths that they become "numb" in a way to each situtation. However she expressed how Micah's situation really made an impact on herself and her paramedic partner. She also admitted that she has been dealing with feelings of guilt in wondering if she could have done something different to have saved Micah. I had an opportunity to ask questions about why there weren't able to get him breathing and a heartbeat for over an hour and a half. She explained to me that the blockage in his Right Mainstem Bronchi (the right lung area) from the pea was completely occluding his right lung but as many doctors have explained to us that the left lung, in theory, should have compensated for the right. She told me that even if I had done the heimlich maneuver, it wouldn't have worked because it was so far down into the lung area. I feel so blessed that so many people are caring for us and were somehow touched by my sons death. It doesn't make my grieving easier or less but to know that people that I don't even know were impacted from this amazes me daily. She also shared with me that what happened to Micah is completely unheard of in the medical field and they have never seen anything like this happen.
As it was written by Cory in his last entry, in a way there is some comfort in knowing that there are no real answers to what happened and why it happened, and it is clear to us that is was God calling Micah home. It was His plan before he was even given to us, that Micah would only live 9 precious months on this earth with us. I feel so blessed to have had those 9 months with Micah but selfishly I wish he was still here with us.

Cause of Death

We believe that Micah's cause of death had something to do with the pea he aspirated the previous Thursday. However, we are still unsure of the medical cause of Micah's death. Doctors we speak with seem baffled as to how this could happen. The medical examiner has not yet provided their findings to us.

In a way, this has made it easier for Heather and me. We believe that God had numbered Micah's days on this earth to only 9 months. As Pastor Kenney has repeated to us numerous times, Micah's death is not "about us." It is not up to us humans. Rather, it is God's sovereign plan that Micah is now glorifying God in Heaven rather than on earth. It has been much easier to see and trust God's will in this because of the fact that Micah's death was so sudden, so unexpected, and so medically unexplainable. We have not cast blame on each other or others. While it in no way minimizes the loss we feel for our son, it has helped us trust in God's plan for Micah's earthly (short) life and heavenly (long) life.

Grieving in God

With each passing day since Micah's death, the weeping decreases and the pain increases. I think that weeping allows us to release emotions. We want to weep but cannot. Instead, we are physically ill and we have no energy to even make decent conversation with well-meaning friends and family.

We need God's mercy in our hearts right now. "And the Peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus." Phil. 4:7. I don't know how a nonbeliever could grieve through this. If it were all up to chance, if God was not in control, if it were up to humans, then Micah's death would be beyond comprehension in its tradgedy. While I still don't understand "The Why," I trust in God's promise that His Peace will, day-by-day, guard me against unbelief in this darkest hour of my life.

Why?

Last Monday afternoon, I held Micah's body in my arms for some time after he passed away. I combed by hands through that long, blond hair that we are so fond of. I wept and wept along with my parents, Heather's step-father, my brother Scott and Pastor Kenny Stokes.

After a number of minutes, Scott read aloud to us the following passage from Romans, Chapter 11, New Living Translation:

33 Oh, how great are God's riches and wisdom and knowledge! How impossible it is for us to understand his decisions and his ways!34 For who can know the LORD's thoughts? Who knows enough to give him advice?*35 And who has given him so much that he needs to pay it back?* 36 For everything comes from him and exists by his power and is intended for his glory. All glory to him forever! Amen.

One of my greatest struggles over the past week has been to somehow "justify" my son's death through a tangible type of result--evangelism, a certain number of people being saved, etc. But the Lord has shown me that my grief is so great that I cannot possibly find reasons that are sufficient, at least in my own mind, to justify his passing.

Someday, I will ask Him why --why did you take away my treasure, the miracle that you provided to us? Why the happiness and joys of 9 wonderful months, only to have it lost to the pain of death? I trust that someday I will know why. For now, I can only trust in His promises and grieve. And grieve. And grieve the loss of my most beloved little son.

2 Corinthians 5:1-10

For we know that if the tent that is our earthly home is destroyed, we have a building from God, a house not made with hands, eternal in the heavens. For in this tent we groan, longing to put on our heavenly dwelling, if indeed by putting it on we may not be found naked. For while we are still in this tent, we groan, being burdened--not that we would be unclothed, but that we would be further clothed, so that what is mortal may be swallowed up by life. He who has prepared us for this very thing is God, who has given us the Spirit as a guarantee. So we are always of good courage. We know that while we are at home in the body we are away from the Lord, for we walk by faith, not by sight. Yes, we are of good courage, and we would rather be away from the body and at home with the Lord. So whether we are at home or away, we make it our aim to please him. For we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ, so that each one may receive what is due for what he has done in the body, whether good or evil.

Habakkuk 3:17-19

Though the fig tree should not blossom
nor fruit be on the vines
the produce of the olive fail
and the fields yield no food
the flock be cut off from the fold
and there be no herd in the stalls
Yet I will rejoice in the Lord
I will take joy in the God of my salvation

God, the Lord, is my strength
he makes my feet like the deer's
he makes me tread on my high places.