Thursday, October 15, 2009

Who Do I Love More?

C.S. Lewis lost his wife only a few years after they were married. Lewis struggled with how the Lord called him to love the Lord even through his suffering. “Lord, are these your real terms? Can I meet [my wife] again only if I learn to love you so much that I don’t care whether I meet her or not?” C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed, P.79-80.

In Grief Observed, Lewis questions the sincerity of his faith before his wife died. Similarly, I have asked myself this same question: Before Micah died, did I really believe it, or was I just pretending? The stakes seem so much higher now following Micah’s death. I can’t skate along in an easy, comfortable “Christian” life any longer. The love I have for my son Micah is immeasurable, and my grief now seems boundless. Yet despite this seemingly boundless grief, or in the face of it, God has sustained us. I am so grateful for the ability, from God, to sing praises to God following Micah’s death. God has given us strength to love Him even during these times when our love for Micah felt so near and our love for God felt so distant.

Jesus said, “Whoever loves father or mother more than me is not worthy of me, and whoever loves son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me.” Matthew 10:37. While Jesus is not calling us to “hate” our children, He is calling us to “count the cost” of following Him. There are many ways in which Christians “count the cost” of being a disciple of Jesus. In each way, God calls us to love Him more than any gifts he gives.

For me, to count the cost is to give up my hope for Micah’s future—what I had considered Micah’s entitlements to health, a long life, and a lot of love. It is loving Jesus even though it was Jesus who took Micah away from us so suddenly, so unexpectedly. It is treasuring God’s purposes for Micah above my own—however laudable those purposes were. It is trusting in God’s promises of Micah’s eternal salvation with Jesus even as his little (physical) body now lies in Lakewood Cemetery in Minneapolis.

God’s sustaining power in our lives over the past 3 months is evidence that He has given us a greater love for Him. If I focus solely on MY love for MY son, and what happened to MY son, I become bitter and angry. We feel sorry for ourselves. But if I lose my “self” and focus on Jesus, on His plan for my life and His goodness towards Micah, I have an eternal perspective which frees me from my anger, bitterness and self-pity. If I give up Micah to Jesus, receive Jesus now, then at some later date will I not only get Jesus, but I’ll get Micah as well.


  1. Thank you for continuing to share your journey. It is evident that God is working in your lives, giving you strength for each day. Grace and peace be with you and Heather. We continue to pray for you each day!!

  2. We are praying for you both today! You are near to out thoughts and hearts!!!

    Chris & Angie Carey

  3. Praying for you guys tonight- that you would continue to feed on His strength as you seek Him. May God continue to sustain you with His presence.

  4. It's impossibly hard- Hard to grasp and hard to do. Thinking and praying for you guys- praying for God's comfort.