A Glimpse of Joy- From Heather

Ever since Micah’s death, Cory and I have been crying out to God and seeking His direction for our future. We have struggled with finding joy and seeing God’s goodness through all of this horrific pain and suffering. The only thing that Cory and I could imagine that would bring joy back in our lives would be to have more children.

God is good. God has been listening to our cries and prayers for our future. We recently found out that we are expecting our second child. It has been quite a surprise to both of us as we anticipated another long journey of miscarriages and infertility.

We found out that I was pregnant a day after one of our worse days of grieving Micah. I was feeling like there was no hope and no reason to continue on in this painful world. I cried out to God to take me home to be with Micah. I also cried out with anger toward God questioning his goodness. Cory remembers me asking angrily, “God, why are you so mean to me? ” and “Why have you taken all of my joy away?”

The day that I found out I was pregnant, God’s goodness was evident to me. I was both guarded, emotionally, as well as surprised. I knew that this was God’s way of clearly showing me that “joy will come in the morning.” (Psalm 30:5). I continue to struggle with a rollercoaster of emotions: from the grief of missing Micah and knowing that Micah will not be here with us to meet his new sister or brother, to the terror of the possibility of losing another child, to the thrill that we will have more children. Despite all of the feelings, I see a glimmer of hope to continue on living. I know that Micah would want us to trust in God’s plans for our future.

Two weeks ago, as I was getting ready for my 8-week ultrasound to see the baby’s heartbeat, I opened up my daily devotional reading. It was no coincidence that the verse for that particular day’s devotional reading was from Philippians 4:6, Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. I have clearly heard God’s voice during these past several weeks. He has called me to trust Him and to give all of my fears and anxiety over to Him. I continue to pray that God will give me peace in trusting in his promises for my life and our future family.

I continue to mourn and grieve Micah’s loss each day. My pregnancy does not lift my heavy heart. My pregnancy has, however, given me a glimpse of joy and hope to go on living—to wait patiently until God takes me home, when I come face to face with Jesus and my precious son, Micah. Oh, how we long for that great reunion!!