Mourning for Micah: Grief, 6 months later- by Heather

Sunday, February 7, 2010

Grief, 6 months later- by Heather

My heart hurts as I continue this day to day journey without Micah. There are days that I am so overwhelmed with grief and sadness that it is difficult to proceed with any familiar task. As I woke up this morning, I felt again this sadness and sense of grief that is consuming. I have been thinking about meeting Micah in heaven on that great reunion day and wondering what it will be like. I have so many unanswered questions that flood through my head when I think about that day. Will Micah recognize me? Will he know that I am his mommy? How will be react to me? Will he be as excited to see me as I will be to see him? How old will he be? Will I be able to raise him as though he was still 9 months old and not a day had passed since I saw him last? Will he be disappointed with me that I wasn’t able to save him? Will he know that I tried so hard to make the CPR work? Will he remember my last words to him, “run to Jesus Micah…run to him”? Will he know how much we grieved for him and how hard it was to go on without him? My mind can’t grasp what that moment will be like to see Micah again but how I long for that day.

Yesterday Cory and I were reflecting on our grief and discussing how the grief continues to be predominant in our day. I am reminded daily of how horrific those few weeks were proceeding Micah’s death. I look back to my life before he died of being with Micah all day every day since he was born. Micah was inseparable to me. He relied on me to survive each day. And after he died, I felt so lost, like I had abandoned a huge part of myself…my son. From being with him every day to now being separated from him so suddenly was hard for me to grasp. I kept thinking of how I needed to feed him and how it was 10am or 2:30pm and he needed to go down for his nap. Or at 6pm, it was time for our bedtime routine. How could I just erase those thoughts and go on without my son? At times, I feel guilty that I am now “used to” him being gone and that it is now our “normal” not to have him with us at all times. I pray that I never forget. As I was lying awake in bed last night, I wanted to remember so vividly the memories of bringing Micah up into our bed at 4 or 5am to sleep with us and be awakened to his huge smile and babbling and grabbing our faces. I wanted to badly to be able to feel his little hands touching me…just one more time. I don’t want to forget.

As we continue to plan life without Micah, I find myself overwhelmed by fear. Fear for the future and for the life of this new baby. Am I ready to be responsible for another child? Will I be consumed by the thoughts of losing another child? Will this baby boy look just like Micah? Will my memories of Micah be relived through this new baby? Will I be comforted by the reminders or horribly saddened? What if this baby coughs or chokes? Will I be in to see the doctor every time I think something is wrong? I don’t want to live in fear. This week I was reminded of God’s word in Isaiah 41:10 “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” I need to pray these words daily and remember His promises to me as He is my comforter and trust completely that he will be my help and strengthen me to live each day. We are reminded daily that we can’t do this alone.

6 comments:

AnonymousFebruary 8, 2010 at 8:16 AM
Dear Cory and Heather,
You don't know me, but I have followed your journey on this website for the past six months. I am from Cornerstone Church in Ames but live in England with our sending organization and I know people who know you. I just wanted to tell you that there are strangers around you who have cried with you, grieved with you and prayed for you repeatedly since your life changed that July day. The fear you talk about, I can relate so much to. You both have ministered to me through your honesty and openness and I wanted to thank you for allowing us strangers to love you through prayer. I might not ever know you personally, but God has planted you firmly in my heart as my brother and sister with whom I have deeply grieved. You have caused me to confront many of my own fears and reminded me where my hope lies and that no one's days are promised but gifted for as long as God ordained. I have three children aged 5 and younger and the reality that I am not in control of their destiny is both comforting and fear inducing. You have helped redirect those fears to the comfort of knowing that God is all-wise and, while I can not understand His ways at times, I trust them more fully. Thank you.
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Linda HolmbergFebruary 9, 2010 at 7:37 AM
. . . continuing to pray for you.
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AnonymousFebruary 10, 2010 at 12:34 PM
giving you a big hug right now Heather! I will always think of and remember Micah!! (Tia Simpson)
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AmcareyFebruary 10, 2010 at 12:47 PM
Heather,
I pray that the Lord will continue to go alongside you each day in this very difficult journey. I believe that He will answer all of your questions as the days come and go. I pray that this new little boy will be nothing but joy and fullfillment for yourself and Cory. Always praying for you both and remembering that beautiful smile of Micah's.

The Carey's
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Joel ThorpFebruary 14, 2010 at 5:54 PM
Heather & Cory,

Thank you for continuing to share from your hearts on this blog. I am always blessed by reading of your love for your son and for each other. Your questions of faith, difficult emotions, and promises from Scripture are also deeply meaningful to me.

Thanks be to God for his loving care of our children.

Joel Thorp
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BryonieFebruary 18, 2010 at 9:22 AM
Continuing to grieve with you both. Love, Bryonie
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The Story of Micah's Last Days on Earth

During the week of July 20th, 2009, I (Cory) hired a roofing company to re-shingle our home in South Minneapolis. On Thursday afternoon, July 23rd, Heather went to her sister's house in Edina to avoid the noise and allow Micah to nap per his normal routine. In the early evening, Micah had his usual dinner. He sat in a plastic high chair that was secured on top of a regular table chair. After enjoying his finger foods of chicken and peas, Heather went to the sink to get a cloth to clean up Micah's face and hands.

During that time, Micah was accidentally unbuckled from his chair. As Heather walked back to Micah to wash him up, she watched as Micah leaned forward to touch his toes and tumbled forward, falling head first onto the ceramic tile.

Heather was within feet of Micah and immediately picked up Micah from the floor. Micah cried loudly for about 30 minutes. After about 30 minutes of crying and wanting to be held by his mother, he calmed down. Micah developed a bump above his left eye. Micah also developed a strange cough immediately after the fall.

Heather made several calls to the pedicatrician and to the Children's Hospital emergency room to determine if Micah should be seen and evaluated by a doctor. After conflicting suggestions, Heather decided to take Micah down to the ER to be evaluated. Micah was seen by a resident and a doctor and was checked over for any signs of head injury or other injuries. The doctors determined that Micah exhibited no signs of a concussion or other head injury, and so no head scan was taken. Heather and I informed the doctors of the cough, but the doctors felt that the cough was unrelated to the fall. Heather, Micah and I then went home.

On Friday, July 24th, Micah seemed happy and acted normal. Micah engaged in his normal Friday activities, including going to music class. In the evening, Micah developed a temperature following his normal bedtime. He woke up fussy and was not acting life himself. Heather called the pediatrician and the ER triage nurse. The nurse indicated that the fever was unrelated to the fall, and that if his temperature rose to 105 to bring him back to the ER. After several hours of trying to consol Micah, we decided to bring him back to the ER for further evaluation.

At the ER, the nurse practictioner who was assigned to Micah determined that Micah had developed pneumonia. The chest x-ray showed pneumonia but no signs of further complications. Micah was given an IV antibiotic. He was discharged and given instructions to meet with the pediatrician for an antibiotic shot the following day. The issue of the cough was brought up again; it was determiend that he could has aspirated some food (i.e. swallowed food down his lung) because of the fall. The doctor was not overly concerned about the cough.

On Saturday, July 25th, Micah was seen by his primary pedicatrician. He was given a shot of antibiotic and was further evaluated. It was determined that no further treatment was necessary, but that Micah should be seen by the pediatrician the following Tuesday for an x-ray. The x-ray would determine if the pneumonia had improved. If it had not, the pediatrician should that it would be necessary for a doctor to sedate Micah and use a scope to remove the foreign body from Micah's lung.

On Sunday, July 26th, we were hoping to attend the 11:00 am service at Bethlehem Baptist Church in downtown Minneapolis. Before church, I headed to Target around 9:30 to pick up a prescription for Micah. Micah woke up from his nap while Heather was drying her hair in the bathroom. Micah let out a terrible little cry, and Heather immediately ran into his run. Micah then started chocking, and immediately turned blue.

Heather called 911 and started CPR on Micah. I arrived home and tried to relay CPR instructions from the 911 operator to Heather, who was attempting to resuscitate Micah. Within 1 minute of my arrival, the fire department arrived. The fire department personnel attempted, to no avail, to resuscitate Micah. Within 2 or 3 minutes, the paramedics arrived. They, too, were unsuccessful in attempting to resuscitate Micah.

After about 25 more minutes, Micah was transported by ambulance to Children's Hospital in Minneapolis. Heather rode in the front seat of the ambulance. I rode with a police officer in his squad car behind the ambulance.

Once at the hospital, a team of doctors and nurses continued their attempts to resuscitate Micah. We were met almost immediately at the hospital by a social worker and a chaplain. During the next 20 minutes or so, we continued to receive updates that the doctors and nurses were not able to resuscitate Micah. At that time, we were told by one of the head doctors to go into Micah's room and say goodbye to Micah.

As we were walking into the room, the doctors stopped us and indicated that they had been able to finally get a pulse going again. They were also able to incubate him and, with the assistance of machines, get him breathing again. The head doctor apparently made hard chest compression to restart Micah's heart. The doctors immediately cautioned us, however, that because of the length of time that Micah went without oxygen to his brain (about 1.5 hours), he would have permanent brain damage. Micah was then moved to a room in the instensive care unit in South Minneapolis.

Later that afternoon, I was in his room when an Ear-Nose-Throat specialist placed a scope down Micah's lung. There, he found a pea that had collapsed his right lung. The E-N-T specialist was able to remove the pea. At this point, the doctors believe that Micah suffocated on a combination of this pea and the flem material generated by his lung as a result of the pneumonia.

That evening, I asked the nurse in charge of Micah's care whether we should be praying for his recovery or praying for his "going home." She responded, without hesitation, that we should pray for his "going home." Heather and I did not sleep at all that Sunday night. We (along with many others) lifted up many prayers to the Lord asking the Lord to spare our Micah's life.

On Monday, July 27th, Heather and I, along with our families, Pastor Kenny Stokes and our pediatrician met with the head doctor in the intensive care unit to discuss Micah's situation. He indicated that Micah had little to no brain activity, and that he had no chance of recovery. They provided us with the option to remove Micah from life support at any time. At that time, it appeared that he may have had enough brain function to breath on his own if he were removed from the ventilator.

The Lord provided Pastor Kenny with the verse, "Away from the body, present with the Lord." We determined that because Micah would never have any brain activity, it was time for us to say goodbye to our only son, Micah Robert Wessman, so that he could go home to be with Jesus.

All of our extended families gathered in Micah's room. Due to all of the lines and cords coming from his little body, several nurses had to assist in transferring Micah from his bed to my lap. Heather sat in a chair next to me. We sang a number of hymns together, including "Children of the Heavenly Father" and "Jesus Love Me." Heather then kissed Micah goodbye, telling Micah, through tears, to "run to Jesus, sweetie, run to Jesus."

For the next hour, we waited for a local organ donation company to arrive and review Micah's status for organ donation purposes. (We later learned that a child benefitted from receiving Micah's heart valves.) During that time, the doctors determined that Micah's brain functions further deteriorated, and Micah was not able to breath on his own. Apparently, Micah had listed to his mother one last time, and he ran to Jesus.

After meeting with the organ donation company, I went into Micah's room. Also present were my parents, my brother Scott, Pastor Kenny and Tim Gilbert. The doctor and the nursing staff removed all of Micah's tubes. Within a few minutes of having his tubes removed, Micah died in my arms. After a few minutes of holding the body of my son in my arms, my brother read from Romans 11:33-36.

We love our son very much, and always will love him. He will always be our son. It is our strong conviction that after he died, he was received directly into the arms of our loving Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.

Mourning for Micah

Sunday, February 7, 2010

Grief, 6 months later- by Heather

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The Story of Micah's Last Days on Earth

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