Sunday, February 7, 2010

Grief, 6 months later- by Heather

My heart hurts as I continue this day to day journey without Micah. There are days that I am so overwhelmed with grief and sadness that it is difficult to proceed with any familiar task. As I woke up this morning, I felt again this sadness and sense of grief that is consuming. I have been thinking about meeting Micah in heaven on that great reunion day and wondering what it will be like. I have so many unanswered questions that flood through my head when I think about that day. Will Micah recognize me? Will he know that I am his mommy? How will be react to me? Will he be as excited to see me as I will be to see him? How old will he be? Will I be able to raise him as though he was still 9 months old and not a day had passed since I saw him last? Will he be disappointed with me that I wasn’t able to save him? Will he know that I tried so hard to make the CPR work? Will he remember my last words to him, “run to Jesus Micah…run to him”? Will he know how much we grieved for him and how hard it was to go on without him? My mind can’t grasp what that moment will be like to see Micah again but how I long for that day.

Yesterday Cory and I were reflecting on our grief and discussing how the grief continues to be predominant in our day. I am reminded daily of how horrific those few weeks were proceeding Micah’s death. I look back to my life before he died of being with Micah all day every day since he was born. Micah was inseparable to me. He relied on me to survive each day. And after he died, I felt so lost, like I had abandoned a huge part of myself…my son. From being with him every day to now being separated from him so suddenly was hard for me to grasp. I kept thinking of how I needed to feed him and how it was 10am or 2:30pm and he needed to go down for his nap. Or at 6pm, it was time for our bedtime routine. How could I just erase those thoughts and go on without my son? At times, I feel guilty that I am now “used to” him being gone and that it is now our “normal” not to have him with us at all times. I pray that I never forget. As I was lying awake in bed last night, I wanted to remember so vividly the memories of bringing Micah up into our bed at 4 or 5am to sleep with us and be awakened to his huge smile and babbling and grabbing our faces. I wanted to badly to be able to feel his little hands touching me…just one more time. I don’t want to forget.

As we continue to plan life without Micah, I find myself overwhelmed by fear. Fear for the future and for the life of this new baby. Am I ready to be responsible for another child? Will I be consumed by the thoughts of losing another child? Will this baby boy look just like Micah? Will my memories of Micah be relived through this new baby? Will I be comforted by the reminders or horribly saddened? What if this baby coughs or chokes? Will I be in to see the doctor every time I think something is wrong? I don’t want to live in fear. This week I was reminded of God’s word in Isaiah 41:10 “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” I need to pray these words daily and remember His promises to me as He is my comforter and trust completely that he will be my help and strengthen me to live each day. We are reminded daily that we can’t do this alone.


  1. Dear Cory and Heather,
    You don't know me, but I have followed your journey on this website for the past six months. I am from Cornerstone Church in Ames but live in England with our sending organization and I know people who know you. I just wanted to tell you that there are strangers around you who have cried with you, grieved with you and prayed for you repeatedly since your life changed that July day. The fear you talk about, I can relate so much to. You both have ministered to me through your honesty and openness and I wanted to thank you for allowing us strangers to love you through prayer. I might not ever know you personally, but God has planted you firmly in my heart as my brother and sister with whom I have deeply grieved. You have caused me to confront many of my own fears and reminded me where my hope lies and that no one's days are promised but gifted for as long as God ordained. I have three children aged 5 and younger and the reality that I am not in control of their destiny is both comforting and fear inducing. You have helped redirect those fears to the comfort of knowing that God is all-wise and, while I can not understand His ways at times, I trust them more fully. Thank you.

  2. . . . continuing to pray for you.

  3. giving you a big hug right now Heather! I will always think of and remember Micah!! (Tia Simpson)

  4. Heather,
    I pray that the Lord will continue to go alongside you each day in this very difficult journey. I believe that He will answer all of your questions as the days come and go. I pray that this new little boy will be nothing but joy and fullfillment for yourself and Cory. Always praying for you both and remembering that beautiful smile of Micah's.

    The Carey's

  5. Heather & Cory,

    Thank you for continuing to share from your hearts on this blog. I am always blessed by reading of your love for your son and for each other. Your questions of faith, difficult emotions, and promises from Scripture are also deeply meaningful to me.

    Thanks be to God for his loving care of our children.

    Joel Thorp

  6. Continuing to grieve with you both. Love, Bryonie