A Silent 7th Birthday

Today is Micah's 7th birthday. Heather, the kids and I honored his birthday today with a trip together to the cemetery, pizza, and birthday cake. The very suffering we are experiencing precludes us from answering some important questions. When we experience health issues, or relationship issues, we can draw upon the strength of others, or the support of our community. And we can often quite easily see or experience the practical implications of God's working this suffering for good-whether within our life or the life of the person who is suffering. But with a deceased loved one, we have birthday parties without the most important person in attendance. We cannot ask, or have answered, the questions we are dying to know: Micah, how are you? Do you know about your brothers and sister? Micah, do you even celebrate your birthday in Heaven? Can you eat cake? What did you eat for your birthday? Did you have friends "over?" If so, what are their names? In general, it has been a relatively quiet day today--not a lot of singing. And yet, as my mom reminded me this morning, we are called to sing (praise) Him, even when we don't feel it. "I will sing to the Lord because he has dealt bountifully with me." Psalm 13:6. On Micah's 1st birthday in 2009, we were just beginning to "unwind" from the shock of his death. Now, six years later, we have begun to see how wide the waves of impact that his life and death have had on us and others. We can't sing about missing Micah, or about his death, but we can sing in the sure hope of seeing him again, and ultimately knowing about all that God accomplished through his short life.

Hope for the Mourning Event This Week

On Friday, October 2nd, we will hold our annual “Micah Party” celebration. As in each of the previous 6 years since our son Micah’s death, we have gathered friends and family members to remember Micah and grieve his passing. We typically hold this event on the last Saturday in October to correspond with Micah’s birth (Oct. 30). This year, we moved the date of the event up in the year to correspond with what has become another annual tradition—a spaghetti feed for the “Hope for the Mourning Running Team” and their families. In each of 2012, 2014 and again this year, we have entered a team of runners in the Twin Cities Marathon family of races. Each of the runners is asked to raise funds on behalf of Hope for the Mourning. This year, we have a total of 27 runners who have all committed to raise funds on behalf of Hope for the Mourning. We are so grateful that these runners and their families would take the time and effort to not just train for and run in the races, but also commit to raising funds on behalf of Hope for the Mourning. Those Served: Over the past few years, the traffic on our website has continued to increase. In our age of social media, website traffic can quickly increase exponentially. In our case, the number of “hits” on our website has surpassed our expectations. We are grateful for the opportunity that the website provides us to share the good news of Jesus Christ to those website visitors. We have reason to believe that most of the visitors to our website are either grieving parents or friends and family members of grieving parents who are seeking guidance as to how to help fellow grieving parents. Once on the website, these visitors find a link called “request care package.” This link allows the visitor to request a care package either for themselves, if they are the grieving parents, or on behalf of the parents they know. This care package includes three books on grief written from a Biblical perspective, two restaurant gift cards, and some additional information, depending upon the location of the recipient. We also provide a response card to allow the grieving parents to follow up with us. We ultimately want to come alongside them, even if only be phone, to grieve with them, pray with them, and try to encourage them wherever they are in their walk with our Lord Jesus Christ. The Responses: Heather and I, along with our other board members, wish that we could meet with each of these grieving parents individually. Even in the absence of face-to-face interaction, however, we have been encouraged by numerous responses that indicated that the packages are impacting families. Please allow me to quote a few of the responses we have received: “…We received the Care Package you sent after losing our son, James, at 21 months. We were so touched to receive such a kind gift. The book I found to be most comforting was “Holding on to Hope.” It came to me just when I needed it most—during a very difficult & grief-filled week…We would like to donate $500 in his memory… We are so grateful for the work you are doing in honor of your little boy, Micah.” “We received the care package…What an incredible gift and such an encouragement for our family. It’s comforting to know that there are others out there who understand our grief. We are so grateful for the books you sent along in the package. Your ministry is so incredible and we are thankful for it.” “I'm grateful to you for the books and restaurant gift cards. I am reading anything I can get my hands on that may help so I appreciate that. [I had lost faith in God after our daughter passed, but now believe that God may have allowed it for a purpose.] Also as you know, cooking is the last thing on your mind. I haven't cooked an actual meal since before [our daughter] passed. Our Financial Need: The number of families served continues to grow every year. The numbers of parents served has increased from 72 in 2013, to 116 last year (2014). Already this year, we have sent 135 care packages, which puts us on pace for more than 160 care packages. By reason of the costs of the books, the restaurant gift cards ($75 worth in every care package), and shipping costs, the average care package costs approximately $100. We therefore have an annual budget of approximately $16,000. Thanks for Financial Contributions: As it relates to our annual fundraiser, we want to thank our runners and their families. We also want to thank five different companies, whom we consider our “Corporate Sponsors” of this event. Through the generous contributions of these five companies, the costs of the annual Marathon fundraiser has been covered in full. As we finalize the collection of our individual running sponsorships, we have been blessed to be able to tell our runners that all contributions received are going directly to Hope for the Mourning. These corporate sponsors are: Strong Tower Wealth Management, Church Mutual Insurance Company, Emergent Networks, Plantscape, and Erickson & Wessman. Should you wish to make a contribution, you can do so either by paying through paypal, on our website, or by personal check. Our mailing address is 5930 Lone Lake Loop, Minnetonka, MN 55343. We continue to be so grateful for friends and family members like you. We will not know, this side of eternity, how meaningful your support has been to us. None of us will know the extent of the impact that little pea had in clogging the throat of a boy. It is with mixed emotions that we state we are so grateful for the connections we have made with many of you—friendships that have been formed and forged only by reason of the deepest human grief possible. We love you and your friendships, and look forward to the day when God will fully redeem and restore us. On that day, we will have it all, for we will have these deep and lasting friendships, and we will have our children restored to us as well. Thanks again for your support. Cory and Heather Wessman

Was It Me?

In the immediate aftermath of Micah's death, both Heather and I struggled with whether God was punishing us for our own past sins by taking Micah from us. The Lord used the words of our pastor to encourage us through, among many other words of scripture, the precious words of Jesus in John 9. When asked by his disciples why a certain man was born blind, Jesus responded, "It was not that this man sinned, or his parents, but that the works of God might be displayed in him." But what does it mean that God's works will be displayed through the suffering of the blind man, and through Micah's (untimely) death? Does it have anything to do with us? This past year, I have been greatly humbled by physical suffering, as I have written about previously. Through that suffering, God has shown me the degree to which I have grown self-sufficient, self-indulgent and even self-aggrandizing. Praise God, he has intervened in my life so as to keep me from a path of destruction. Physical suffering changed my course to make me dependent on God. In this matter, I have been blessed to see that God's intervention is indeed an act of love. Hebrews 12:6 says, "The Lord disciplines the one he loves, and chastises every son whom he receives." It is ultimately for God's glory that God will use life circumstances to make me into a more Christ-like follower of him. I am indeed one of the many reasons why the Lord took my son Micah--but it was not for past sins, but for future glory. Our past sins have been wiped clean by the work of Jesus Christ on the cross. God is not requiring an additional blood sacrifice by taking your child or my son. But one of the ways that God demonstrates his own glory is through how He uses suffering to change the day-to-day lives of those who claim Him as Lord and Savior. If you trust in Jesus, you can be assured that God will use life circumstances to make you more like him. I pray that all of us would use sufferings, large and small, to recenter our lives on the glory of God and seek to understand the works He is accomplishing through our lives.

Sorrowful, Yet Always Rejoicing

A few weeks ago, we marked 6 years since our little boy went "Home" to be with Jesus. As one may gather from the picture, our days are filled with lots of love and laughter by reason of the activities of our three living children (Owen, 5; Brendan, 4; and Kinsley, 2). For us, like so many fellow Christians grieving the death of a child, we love in an age of apparent contradiction. We are, in Paul's words, "...as sorrowful, yet always rejoicing." 2 Corinthians 6:10. While the waves of grief are shallower, and less frequent, then they were a few years ago, we continue to grieve. We face the realities of death "head on," not ignoring grief, or pretending that grief does not significantly impact us in so many ways. From the outside, our lives are filled with many good things. Heather and I feel blessed by three living children of differing abilities and interests, a fun neighborhood, a busy law practice, and good physical health. But the absence of our oldest son from our family creates a "hole" in our lives and in our affections. No matter how otherwise "happy" we think we can be, we recognize that we will never be truly satisfied on this side of eternity. It will not be until we see Jesus that these "holes" will be filled. For this reason, Paul can say that any Christian, regardless of his or her circumstances, can be rejoicing, since one's ultimate source of happiness and joy comes from our relationship with Jesus. For us, and I know for many other grieving parents, the ongoing blessing of a "missing" child is the continual reminder that this world is not our true home, and that we long for that day when we will be welcomed home. Until that day, we look ahead in both sorrow and joy.

Suffering as Mercy

Heather recently attended a women's conference with one of our favorite authors, Nancy Guthrie. Guthrie knows more than most about suffering, herself having lost two children. At the conference, Guthrie made the point that we should not be so quick to judge God's ways, and that death should be viewed as mercy to us and our children. If we believe that our children who die in Christ are bound for eternity, then isn't it merciful of God to allow them to "skip" the rest of an earthly existence filled with so much pain, heartache, cancer, bankruptcy, idolatry, and immorality? In Mark 13, Jesus makes a similar point to his disciples about the suffering surrounding the destruction of the temple that he predicted, and that would come to pass a few years later. "And if the Lord had not cut short the days, no human being would be saved." The implication here is that the existence or absence of earthly suffering should not be our ultimate goal. Physical, earthly death is mercy from God because it allows us to avoid eternal, spiritual death if our physical death occurs when we (or our children) are found in Christ. If our ultimate goal in life is God and a relationship with Him, the question is not why God allows for any suffering, but why he doesn't bring more? If God has allowed one of our children to die, why He has not also taken our other children or our own lives? I think the answer is that because God knows just the right "mix" between sufferings and physical comforts, that allows us to grow in our love for him without losing heart. The Apostle Peter encourages the early church to rejoice in their relationship with Christ, even through physical suffering, because through this suffering they will experience, the genuineness of their their faith will improve, just as the quality of gold improves when refined by fire. 1 Peter 1:6,7. Through the suffering we experience on earth, and which God mercifully sends, we can continually re-orient our lives around the true and ultimate goal of our lives, knowing God and being found in Jesus. In the absence of suffering in my life, I would not have the ability to refine my own love for God in the manner God has provided through suffering. "Though you do not now see him, you believe in him and rejoice with joy that is inexpressible and filled with glory, obtaining the outcome of your faith, the salvation of your souls." 1 Peter 1:8,9.

What is your Omega Point?

In Revelation 1:8, Jesus says about Himself, "I am the Alpha and the Omega...who is and who was and who is to come, the Almighty." As the "Alpha," Jesus is claiming supremacy over the world since the beginning of time, and Lordship over all such creation. As the "Omega," Pastor Tim Keller says that Jesus is claiming supremacy over meaning and significance. Jesus is making the audacious claim that all true significance in the universe, all true meaning even in your life, starts and ends in Him. In my observation, grieving parents become angry at God, and angry at life in general, for a combination of several reasons. There is no doubt that, as demonstrated by Job, it is good and right for us to grieve, and grieve deeply, whenever we experience significant loss. ("In all this [suffering], Job did not sin." Job 1:22). It is certainly right and good to grieve the departure of a child from us. And yet, many of us grieve simply because we have centered our lives around things or circumstances, and not what ought to be our true "Omega Point," the ultimate source of our significance, who is Jesus. Pastor Keller notes that our "Omega Point," is the thing, relationship, or life circumstance that, if we lose, we would become so despondent that life would not be worth living. Jesus is making the startling claim that, ultimately, nothing outside of him will be a lasting "Omega Point." Many grieving parents are tied to the circumstance of being parents. That is, they believe they will find their ultimate meaning in life in being a parent. Or, perhaps more specifically, they disregard the control and plans of God in their lives and find significance in their lives because they are the parents of a certain number of children, send their kids to a particular school, and set aside a certain amount in their educational savings plan. But, as difficult as it is to hear, one of the innumerable blessings of suffering, even the death of a child, is to grasp whether the sources of significance in our lives are truly lasting. Parents grieve because, whether they (perhaps only subconsciously, recognize they are not "Alpha" of their own lives (that is, "in control"), and therefore cannot dictate the "Omega," the source of significance in our lives. I pray that all of us, especially myself, would lose any sense of significance in our lives apart from Jesus.

A parent's loss

Heather has often shared with me and others how grateful we can be because we have a Heavenly Father who knows the pain of losing a child. On Good Friday, our Savior not only took the physical punishment due to us by going to Golgotha, but also the spiritual separation from God the Father. When Jesus cried out, "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" the Father and Son experienced something far more painful than the flogging or nails through the hands--they experienced separation from one another. As much as we earthly parents grieve the separation from our children, I don't think that any of us can approach the suffering felt by the Father and Son in that separation. While our did not purpose or desire the separation that we grieving parents now experience from our children, the Father and Son planned that suffering. We can be so grateful that God planned it, from the beginning, for our redemption as his chosen children. On this Easter, we are worshiping our Savior, through whom we have the hope of redemption, and not just the redemption of our eternal lives, but the redemption of the sufferings we experienced through the death of our child. Picture taken is at Micah's grave, with our living children Owen (4), Brendan (3) and Kinsley (2).