Making My Son's Death My Own

The farther away in time we get from Micah’s death, the easier it is to become re-absorbed into the world. How much easier it is now, more than 4 years since Micah’s death, to grow comfortable again, to regain personal, professional and family ambitions. We have enjoyed the opportunity to be parents to our three living kids, and all the activities that come with parenting. From an outside perspective, one might say we have a “life” again. But while the world, and well-meaning friends, may applaud us for this re-engagement, a complete re-engagement would mean the loss of one of the great legacies to us of Micah’s death. For in the emotional and spiritual upheaval created in my heart following Micah’s death, I experienced not a physical death, but a death to my own ambitions, dreams and hopes. Since Micah was (and even now is) an integral part of the hopes for my life, in Micah’s physical death I experienced a death in my life’s ambitions. In those weeks and months following Micah’s death, we gained an eternal perspective on our lives and Micah’s short life, a perspective that put all of those ambitions, worldly cares and worldly concerns that I now spend some much time upon in their proper place—buried six feet under along with my oldest son’s remains. I think this type of death, this loss of self-absorption and personal ambition, is precisely what Christ calls us to, as His disciples. Jesus calls us to death—not merely physical, but to our own comforts and ambitions. “Truly, Truly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit.” John 12:24. About this verse, the Wycliffe Bible Commentary says, “Death is the key to spiritual fruitfulness.” In death, we have no choice but to follow after Christ, to trust in Him, and find His strength sufficient for us. Jesus says that “Whoever loves his life loses it, and whoever hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life.” John 12:25. Will you join me in attempting to lose my own ambitions, in the hopes of gaining real and true life, in Christ?

Micah at 5 Years Old

Today marks our son Micah's 5th birthday. As in each of the past few years, we will mark his birthday later today by birthday cupcakes eaten by our living children, and after a birthday song, birthday candles blown out by Micah's exuberant (although somewhat confused) younger siblings. It's also typically marked by a visit to the grave and by a few tears. With each passing year, we've grown increasingly certain that while God has already used Micah's life and death to accomplish some good and noble purposes, we can't hope to possibly understand all those purposes on this side of eternity. As with most grieving parents, we yearn to know what those purposes are; to be able to offset the pain and anguish we have experienced by reason of his shortened life and death with tangible and noteworthy eternal purposes. We have already greatly benefitted from the knowledge of certain blessings that have arisen by reason of Micah's death. But we groan to know more. We groan to know what blessings have come to us and others by reason of these present sufferings. In one of the passages that Heather and I most frequently recite to one another in encouragement, Paul tells us, "For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us. For the creation waits with eager longing for the revealing of the sons of God....And not only the creation, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we were saved..." Romans 8:18, 19, 23. Tonight, if you were in our home here in Minnetonka, you would hear the sound of children celebrating a birthday. But the overriding theme here is not one of celebration, as is the case with our other birthdays, but one of groaning. Just as in Paul's letter to the Romans, we have a heartfelt desire for what is ahead. For every human suffering through this present age, Christ is our only hope. For at that great day of Reunion, when Christ meets us face to face, we will have our greatest appetites for glory met in God, our thirst for significance in suffering fully satisfied in our Savior. We will see how all our sufferings, both large and small, were worked out in these past few temporal earthly days, and that our son Micah's short life on earth accomplished more than we can ever currently possibly conceive.

Update on Hope for the Mourning

This past Saturday, Heather and I hosted about 100 people at Nokomis Community Center in honor of Micah's Fifth Birthday. We were so appreciative of everyone who was able to attend. This year’s celebration was a significant milestone because it would have been his 5th birthday. How we wish he could be here to celebrate his own birthday with his three younger siblings. While nothing on this side of eternity can make up for his loss, we are always so encouraged by the friends and family members who attend in Micah’s honor. Once again, we feel so grateful for your love, encouragement and support. As most of you already know, Heather and I created the Micah Wessman Foundation in 2009 in order to assist other families grieving the death of a young child. Since October of 2011, the organization has been administered through the Hope for the Mourning website. The website includes a significant amount of teaching for parents grieving the loss of a young child, and includes links to outside resources. Additionally, the website provides the opportunity for grieving parents, or friends of grieving parents, to request that a care package be sent to them. This care package includes three books written on grief, all from a Christian perspective, and for those receiving gift cards in the United States, two restaurant gift cards. Since January 1, 2013, Hope for the Mourning has sent 63 care packages. While most of these care package requests come from the continental United States, we also have received requests from all around the world. By reason of these care packages, we have been blessed to communicate with numerous grieving parents. Now with three living children in our home, and my busy law practice, we wouldn’t be able to manage the logistics of the care package ministry without the support of my mom, Karen, who has taken on the responsibilities associated with the care packages. Thanks to her work, grieving parents from around the world are receiving care packages. Lord willing, we will continue to operate Hope for the Mourning and the care package ministry. As you might imagine, sending this number of care packages comes with significant costs. (One care package costs approximately $100). As always, the organization would be happy to receive donations of any amount, which of course are fully tax-deductible. Whether now, at year-end, or at any time in the future, please keep our organization in mind. On behalf of Heather, Owen, Brendan and Kinsley, thanks again for your love and support!

Casualties of War

I have recently been reading an historical account about the American military campaigns in North Africa and Italy in World War II. In it, much discussion centers around the decisions made by the American leadership, and whether the high level of "casualties" suffered by the Americans in various battles were worth the strategic benefits obtained. Until recently, I found it curious how a "war casualty” is calculated. A “casualty of war” is defined to include those killed, injured or displaced by war. I previously felt that the casualty of war figure was misleading because, in measuring the impact to a particular side of a particular battle, the number of soldiers killed is an altogether different impact than the number of soldiers injured or taken prisoner. But having lost a child (albeit not in a war), I believe that the "casulty of war" definition is in fact appropriate. As the particular account I have read demonstrates, the collateral damage to war extends far beyond simply those who died. Those suffering physical injuries during a battle (a) might not be able to return to battle at all and (b) regardless of whether they do, the impact of their physical injuries will impact them for the rest of their lives. Apart from physical injuries, how many thousands of war veterans suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder, either diagnosed or not, by reason of their involvement in the war. Trully, the negative impact of war experiences lasts a lifetime. Simillarly, it is nearly impossible to calculate the emotional and relational impact that a child’s death has on friends, families, communities. Just as I ignorantly limited a “war casualty” to a solider killed in battle, so also would it be ignorant to think that the only persons adversely impacted by the unexpected death of a child are the immediate family members. Grandparents of the deceased are left powerless to bring their child back from the dead, or to fully assuage the grief of their own children, the greiving parents. Friends and family members, who might previously have enjoyed close relationships with the greiving parents, lose the same ability to relate to their friends, the grieving parents. Work colleagues of the parents lose the drive and desire of the grieving parents as the mom or dadd shift their mental attention away from their careers in order to grieve. Even the physicians treating the child wonder how a life could have been saved had the child been treated differently. As we seek to minister to our fellow greiving parents, I think it is helpful to remember how broad the death impacts the communities and, as a result, be open to how the Lord is not only using a child's death to work on the hearts of the parents (certainly one "casualty") but also the broader community, many of whom are also "casualties" of the death of the child.

Redemptive Memory

Many grieving parents tend to “live in the past.”  They hold on to everything about those moments, now gone, that they shared with their children. If there is nothing outside of our selves, then I suppose this is right—those fleeting moments are all we have with our children. Unfortunately, as we can attest, if we focus exclusively on those wonderful, sweet memories of times with our children, we are also likely to focus at times on the circumstances surrounding the death of our child, including the terror and great grief.

But God does not view history the way we do.  In his book, A Grace Revealed, theologian Jerry Sittser describes the importance of using “redemptive memory” so that we can try to understand, at least in part, how God is using our history to shape us more like him.  “Redemption is worked out within the framework of time, which is why it is important to examine how God functions both within and beyond it.”  Sittser, Grace Revealed, 153.   Sittser, who himself lost his wife, mother and daughter in a car accident about twenty years ago, was able to come to the point where, while certainly not glad that the accident occurred, could see the numerous blessings to him and his family, from an eternal perspective, that arose from the accident. 

While we are stuck “inside” time, God views time as occurring instantaneously.  If we view human tragedy the way that God does, we cannot define a particular event based upon its impact at any one particular time. God is working for our good through sequences of moments that are intended to make us more like him.   Consider how water drips on a rock.  At any one particular point in time, there will be no felt or seen impact of that water on the rock. But over many years, and certainly many hundreds of years, the water will change the shape of the rock.  Similarly, God is using our history, both the tragic events, as well as the mundane, day-to-day trials, to make us more like him. 

The great news of the gospel is, among many other things, that we are part of the larger redemptive story and that no one event, however, tragic, can and should define us.  The cross, in itself, is the most egregious event every perpetrated on another human.  But Easter Sunday morning, and then Pentacost, and then two thousand years of the working of the Holy Spirit, and then our testimonies, demonstrate that the legacy of the Cross is not just the unjust sentence, the inhumane torture, and death.  It is the redemption of those who are called by God.  

In our case, the idea of “redemptive memory” does not mean that we should forget the great grief of how Micah died—how if, in any one of a number of instances, things would have gone differently, he would still be with us today.  But at the same time, it is far too early for me to write a definitive account of Micah’s life and legacy.  The way in which Micah died cannot be viewed as a self-contained event having meaning within itself.  It must be viewed along with the various and numerous grace-filled blessings that have arisen in our lives by reason of it. Just as the Cross of Christ cannot be viewed outside of its redemptive impact on human history, so also we grieving parents must view our child’s death in light of what God has done, and continues to do, by reason of his or her death.

Yesterday at the Cemetery

It was 4 years ago yesterday since Micah went home to be with The Lord. We miss him terribly, but are eternally grateful for the promise, in Christ of seeing him again!

Aware of the Loss...Grateful for the Outcome

Jerry Sitser is a professor of theology who, a number of years ago, was involved in a car crash in which his mother, his wife and one of his daughters were all killed.  Sittser has written about his grief journey on a number of occasions, including in his most recent book, “A Grace Revealed.”  In it, he reflects on the absence of his daughter and its impact on him and his family. 

He writes, “Her presence would affect the entire dynamic of the home, no doubt for the good.  Then again, her absence has done that too.  It could have turned out tragically, and I could be writing words of lament right now instead of words of gratitude.  But it did not turn out tragically, not in the long run anyway, though event itself was, and still is, tragic.  We feel sorrow, to be sure; but it is a sweet sorrow.  We are aware of the loss but grateful for the outcome.  It is a tension we have learned to embrace.” Sittser, A Grace Revealed, 240-241. 

Next week, our family will honor Micah on the four year anniversary of his death.  Like Sittser, I have seen numerous blessings arise from Micah’s absence.  To be sure, we’d take him back in a heartbeat.  I would not go so far as to say that I am “grateful for the outcome,” as Sittser writes.  I am, however, grateful for how the depths of great grief in my life have removed some of the deeply-rooted self-dependence in my life and required greater dependence on God.  This, in turn, has led me to consider how other, smaller and seemingly less significant trials might be part of God’s plan for creating greater dependence upon God, in my life and my family’s life.  If Joseph told his brothers, “What you intended for evil, God intended for good,” can we not trust that all of our trials are similarly for our own good? I hope that you, too, will consider the power of God to use trials to accomplish His purposes in your life.