1 Peter 1

The book of 1 Peter has been of great encouragement to me in working through grief. Of particular application has been 1 Peter 1:3-7, which reads as follows:

“Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! According to his great mercy, he has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, to an inheritance that is imperishable, undefiled, and unfading, kept in heaven for you, who by God’s power are being guarded through faith for a salvation ready to be revealed in the last time. In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ.”

Here’s how I am using 1 Peter 1:3-7 to “preach” to myself and, as I have the chance, to encourage other grieving parents:

(1) God, in His Mercy, has Saved Our Infant Children
“According to his great mercy…”
First, we can rejoice in God’s mercy towards us, for it is only by God’s mercy in granting salvation is my child saved for all eternity. Since salvation is granted by reason of God’s mercy towards us, and not by reason of our actions (or inactions), we can rest in the comfort knowing that Christ’s work on the cross accomplished not only salvation for those of us adults who believe, but also salvation for our little children—for those whom Jesus described as, “the least of these.” Because God has demonstrated both the power and the desire to save infant children, we can trust in the promise of eternal salvation for our children who have “gone Home.” “The LORD is gracious and compassion, slow to anger and rich in love. The Lord is good to all; he has compassion on all he has made.” Psalm 145:8-9. “Know therefore that the LORD your God is God; he is the faithful God, keeping his covenant of love to a thousand generations of those who love him and keep his commands.” Deuteronomy 7:9.

(2) God Will Resurrect Our Children Again
“...he has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead.”
Second, because Jesus is alive, right now, so also is our hope of seeing our children again. Just as Jesus conquered death and the grave, so also we have a living, ongoing hope that He will raise our children from the dead. If Jesus had not been raised from the dead, there would be no hope. But because Jesus is alive, we have an ongoing living hope that, someday, Jesus will raise our children from the dead. Of this resurrection, Paul wrote that, “…God raised the Lord and will also raise us up in His power.” 1 Corinthians 6:14.

(3) Our Children Are Free From Sin & Death
“…to an inheritance that is imperishable, undefiled, and unfading…”
Third, we rejoice in the life that our Micah now lives. Micah’s little earthly body has been decomposing in the cold Minnesota ground. But unlike his earthly body, Micah’s eternal body is glorious. Micah is now free from sin and death. He is free from greed, envy, anger, hypocrisy, sickness and disappointment. Paul writes, “When the perishable puts on the imperishable, and the mortal puts on immortality, then shall come to pass the saying that is written: Death is swallowed up in victory. O death, where is your victory? O death, where is your sting?” 1 Corinthians 15:54-55.

(4) God Helps Us Parents Persevere in our Faith in Order to Join our Children
“…kept in Heaven for you who by God’s power are being guarded through faith for a salvation ready to be revealed in the last time…”
Fourth, through God’s power is we can persevere in faith so that we, too, will share in the riches of eternal salvation. The same gift (“inheritance”) that our Micah has received will be ours, too, if we continue in the faith. In preserving to the end, it is not as though God has left us all alone. For it would be one thing if God called me to “pull myself up by my bootstraps” and make it through the next 2, 10, 20, 50 or years of earthly life fighting for faith on my own. Left on our own, there is no way that we could turn from sin and head in the direction of the “narrow road that leads to life.” But God, in His sovereign power, is actually interceding in our lives through the Holy Spirit to make us more like him. God is “guarding” us through faith so that, at the end, we will be saved.

(5) We can have Joy, now, in Jesus
“In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials,…”
Fifth, God is working in our lives for the purpose of developing a joy in God that exceeds even the joy that we had in our own children. If the only joy or happiness that we develop in our lives is as a result of our circumstances, then when circumstances go awry (such as when our children die) there is no possibility of life-long, soul-satisfying joy. But Jesus has given us a joy in Him. In John 15:11, Jesus said, “These things [the gospel] I have spoken to you, that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be full.”

(6) God is Purposeful in the Suffering He Has Allowed
“…so that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ.”
Sixth, and finally, we can trust that there is a purpose for our suffering. I am certainly not the only grieving parent who has struggled at times with God’s purposes in and through the death of their child. And while scripture doesn’t give us particular answers to the “why” question that gives us so much heartache, this passage provides two great promises for what purposes, generally, God is accomplishing through our particular suffering. First, the suffering we experience through the death of a child, like any other type of suffering, can decrease our appetite for those things that can get in the way of God, and increase our desire for God. When your child dies, you are forced to put all your poker chips in the middle of the table; there is no “diversification of risk” with regard to whether you are going to find joy in your circumstances or in Jesus Christ and the life He calls us to. In addition to many other purposes which I will only know about on the other side of eternity, God has allowed this suffering so that I can “set fire” to things that stand in the way of God and be “purified” through the purifying fire of suffering.

Second, our suffering is used through relationship with others so that God can be glorified through us, vessels of weakness, grief and sorrow. In our relationship with others, we pray that God’s strength is seen in our weakness, and that people would increase their own desire for God because of the grace seen through God’s mercy. I can’t think of a greater purpose for my own life or Micah’s little life than to display the glorious wisdom and strength of our great God.

How to Help Grieving Parents

Beginning immediately following Micah’s death, many of our friends and family came alongside Heather and me and were of tremendous blessing to us in our grief. These friends and family members seemed to know just how to help us. Below are five ways in which these friends and family members were helpful. We thought we would post a list of things that were helpful to us so that if you have friends or family members who have also lost a child, you might also try to be of blessing to them.

(1) Remember the Child: Send the parents a note, card or email on important days. If you remember the child’s birthday or the date of the child’s “home going,” send the parents a card letting them know that you are remembering them and praying for them on that day. When you talk to parents about their family situation, try to include the memory of that child in the conversation.

(2) Communicate: Call the parents. Keep communicating with them, even if they don’t respond. Don’t stop communicating with the parents just because you may not be sure how to address their grief. Don’t be afraid to let the parents talk about the deceased child. In fact, most of the grieving parents I know appreciate the opportunity to share memories with you of their deceased child. Even though the parents might be emotional, the parents appreciate the opportunity to grieve with you; they don’t want you to try to carry on your relationship as if nothing happened. Parents live with the constant reminder that their child is no longer here, so you don’t need to be concerned that bringing up memories or talking about the child will somehow increase their level of pain. Instead, we think grieving parents would be encouraged to know that you care enough to enter into their grief with them.

(3) Practical Assistance: In the immediate aftermath of the death, find ways to be of practical assistance to the parents. For us, having meals prepared was one of the most helpful and practical ways for people to help us. Especially early on, preparing a meal was just too difficult of a task. See if you can provide the family with a home-cooked meal, or, if that is too difficult, a frozen meal or a restaurant gift card. Shovel the driveway or mow the lawn. Clean the house or help with laundry and dry-cleaning. Make a Target or grocery store run on behalf of the family. Heather and I found it particularly difficult to be in large crowds of people or even to go to places such as the grocery store where there are vivid memories of shopping with the child. If you are going to the grocery store anyway, consider asking the parents if you can pick anything up for them on their behalf.

(4) Prayer: Pray that (1) God would use this suffering in the lives of the parents to be drawn closer in a new or existing relationship with God through Jesus Christ, (2) that the marriage would be sustained, that no blame or disconnect between the parents would occur, (3) that the parents would realize their own limitations and reach out an seek the help of God, professionals, and friends and family.

(5) Resources: If you have a favorite Bible promise that relates to suffering, write it down and send it in an email or note to the parents. If you have a favorite book, song, sermon, or music album that would provide the parents with an opportunity to worship God through their suffering, provide that to them. We appreciated not only the resource itself, but also just the fact that we have friends, co-workers and others who were thinking of us.

Carter's Eternal Hope

Over the past year, we have been blessed by several couples who have also lost their children and who have come alongside of us and encouraged us. One of these couples is Ryan and Heidi Retzlaff. On December 13, 2008, Ryan and Heidi Retzlaff lost their only child at the time, Carter. Ryan, Heidi and Carter were on a flight from Minnesota to Puerto Rico for a family vacation when Carter suddenly stopped breathing. Despite efforts to revive Carter, including an emergency landing by the aircraft, Carter died. The Retzlaffs have never been able to determine Carter’s cause of death.

Following Carter’s death, Ryan and Heidi started a ministry called “Carter’s Eternal Hope.” The ministry provides care packages to grieving parents as well as scholarships for students to attend Christian camps. We have been so encouraged by Ryan and Heidi and their testimony. More than anything, they want others to know the same hope that they have in Jesus Christ. The Retzlaffs have recently completed a website, which can be found at: www.carterseternalhope.org. I encourage you to visit this great resource!

We have been so encouraged by Ryan and Heidi and their willingness to reach out and help others, even through their own grief. Like us, Ryan and Heidi have been blessed with another child subsequent to the death of their only son (a daughter, Elsa). We hope that the Micah Wessman Foundation can, like Carter’s Eternal Hope, be glorifying to God. We hope that through the pain of the deaths of our respective sons, others would be encouraged in their walk to follow God’s only son, Jesus Christ.

Micah in Heaven

When Micah died, I had difficulty with how Micah would be welcomed into Heaven. I’ve always pictured the entrance into Heaven as a joyous event. Joyous, that is, for the deceased believer and Heaven’s other members . But Micah was of the age where he particularly appreciated the familiar faces of mom, dad and grandpas and grandmas. Who did he know in Heaven that would welcome him? Would he be startled by all of the unfamiliar faces? Micah had lived on earth for such a short period of time that there was no one he knew on earth that had preceded him into Heaven.

But, surely, since Jesus is mighty to save Micah, could not also He see to it that loving and beautiful faces also welcome him into eternity? I imagine that there are many smiling saints who enjoy the opportunity to welcome a little child who Jesus saved before adulthood.

About a month after Micah died, my cousin Chris created the illustration I have included above. The illustration depicts Micah being lead by a little bird into a boat, where Micah then travels across a large body of water. The scene on the bottom depicts Micah being welcome by my grandparents, Delbert and Irene Wessman, who preceded us into glory.

Micah’s “ship” illustration reminds of this illustration about Heaven, which is attributed to Henry Van Dyke, an American preacher from the 1800’s:

“I’m standing on the seashore. A ship at my side spreads her white sails to the morning breeze and starts for the blue ocean. She’s an object of beauty and strength and I stand watch her until, at length, she hangs like a speck of white cloud just where the sea and the sky come down to mingle with each other. And then I hear someone at my side saying, “There, she’s gone.”
Gone where? Gone from my sight, this is all. She is just as large in mast and hull and spar as she was when she left my side. And just as able to bear her load of living freight to the place of destination. Her diminished size is in me, not in her.

And just at the moment when someone at my side says, “There, she is gone” there are other eyes watching her coming, and there are other voices ready to take up the glad shout, “Here she comes!” Cited by Randy Alcorn, In Light of Eternity, p. 152.

As agonizing as it is to be separated from Micah this Christmas season, how joyous it must have been for Heaven’s citizens, last summer, to welcome Micah to glory. The most enjoyable Christmas celebrations here on earth have nothing on the joy experienced in Heaven. Someday, I will similarly enter the Kingdom, by the blood of Jesus, to the shouts of joy of many dearly loved family members, including my son, Micah Robert Wessman.

True Glory

I recently watched a television show called “Who do you think you are?” Apparently the show follows public figures as historians trace their family lineage through previous generations. The particular episode that I watched summarized the personal history of actor Matthew Broderick and two of his ancestors: a grandfather who fought through, and survived, World War I; and his great, great grandfather, Robert Martindale, who fought and died in the Civil War.

After surviving the Battle of Gettysburg, Robert Martindale was killed in a subsequent battle. Martindale’s body is buried in a grave marked not by his name, but by a number—number 2469. Martindale’s relative anonymity as a Civil War casualty is particularly striking given Broderick’s acting role as Colonel Robert Gould Shaw in the award-winning movie, “Glory.” In that film, Broderick plays Shaw, the son of a wealthy abolitionist family, who volunteers to lead the very first formal units in the federal army comprised of African-Americans. While certain aspects of the film are fictional, most of the film is based upon the true story of Shaw and his regiment. At the end of the movie, Shaw leads his unit into certain death against a well-entrenched Confederate fort. Approximately one-half of Shaw’s entire unit died (including Shaw himself) or was injured or captured. The selflessness, leadership, and tenacity exhibited by Broderick’s character in that movie were certainly worthy of human award, of human notice, of human “glory.”

In light of the award-winning movie, Shaw’s leadership and selflessness have received human attention (“glory”). But while Shaw’s actions have received significant attention, what about Martindale’s sacrifice? What was Martindale’s reward for fighting and dying for his country? To be given grave stone #2469? Until the making of this television show, it appears that no one knew where Martindale was even buried.

Micah’s earthly body is currently buried in a row of graves of children in a large cemetery in Minneapolis. Not far from this row of children’s graves are some of the oldest graves in the cemetery. On these graves sit huge grave markers erected in honor of the deceased. In death so as in life, it seemed that these ostentations markers are not only a display of wealth but of the competition that likely existed between the prominent families of the day. In comparison to these ostentatious markers is the simple marker for Micah Robert Wessman. Micah’s life was so short that he had no opportunity to “distinguish himself,” from a human perspective. His earthly life was not long enough to be worthy of human recognition or human “glory.”

In speaking with other parents who have lost children, I find that like other grieving parents, I want to keep our child’s memory alive, to honor and remember how God blessed us through our little guy. Particularly around the Christmas season, it is very difficult to be missing your 2-year old son. But as it relates to what is eternally glories, what is worthy of our affection and attention, Micah is not “missing out” on any notoriety, any glory, from having lived a full life. Robert Martindale has a nice human legacy because he made the sacrifice of his life. But the legacies of the greatest political leaders, the greatest soldiers, and the greatest athletes of all time are like drops in an ocean compared to the greatness of God’s own legacy.

King David notes, “As for man, his days are like grass; he flourishes like a flower of the field; for the wind passes over it, and it is gone, and its place knows it no more.” Psalm 103:15. Similarly, the Apostle Peter, citing the prophet Isaiah, contrasts the brevity of human life with the eternal application of the Word of God. “All flesh is like grass and all its glory like the flower of grass. The grass withers, and the flower falls, but the Word of the Lord remains forever.” 1 Peter 1:24.

In the end, we should be grateful that God’s glory will infinitely outshine any human glory. In comparison to the glory due to God, the greatest human beings who have ever lived will receive about the same glory as my son Micah. While Americans might feel that certain individuals, such as Robert Martindale, should receive greater recognition, and while parents feel like their deceased children should not be forgotten, we will someday all agree, whether we currently agree or not, that the attributes and activities of God are of infinitely greater worth than any and all human achievements. Our eternity will be defined by God’s glory, not our own.

· “Your name endures forever, your renown, O LORD, throughout all ages. “ Psalm 135:13.
· “But you, O Lord, reign forever; your throne endures to all generations.” Lamentations 5:19.
· “All the kings of the earth shall give you thanks, O Lord, for they have heard the words of your mouth, and they shall sing of the ways of the Lord, for great is the glory of the Lord.” Psalm 138: 4-5.
· “I perceived that whatever God does endures forever; nothing can be added to it, nor anything taken from it. God has done it, so that people fear before him. “ Ecclesiastes 3:14.
· “But you, O LORD, are enthroned forever; You are remembered throughout all generations….Let this be recorded for a generation to come, so that a people yet to be created may praise the LORD: That he looked down from his holy height; from heaven the Lord look at the earth, to hear the groans of the prisoners, to set free those who were doomed to die, that they may declare in Zion the name of the LORD, and in Jerusalem his praise, when people gather together, and kingdoms, to worship the Lord.” Psalm 102: 12, 18-22.
· “As I live, says the Lord, every knee shall bow to me, and every tongue shall confess to God.” Romans 14:11; Isaiah 45:23.

From an eternal perspective, I believe Micah did not “miss out” on any opportunities to “make a name for himself.” Any attempts to do so would have detracted from his ability to find true joy, found in Jesus Christ alone. In fact, Micah already has a great head start on where all of us are headed--to be more and more consciously aware of the superior worth, praiseworthiness and glory of God over anything in creation. I pray that even now, while “waiting” on earth, we might become more God-centered in our affections.

Micah's Toys

Even though Micah's room is now occupied by his little brother, Owen, his room hasn't changed much since he died. His bedroom still has his little toys, his children's books, and his stuffed animals. When I see some of his toys, I am reminded of this old poem, called "Little Boy Blue:"

"The little toy dog is covered with dust,
But sturdy and staunch he stands;
And the little toy soldier is red with rust,
And his musket molds in his hands.

Time was when the little toy dog was new,
And the toy soldier was passing fair;
And that was the time when our Little Boy Blue
Kissed them and put them there.

"Now don't you go till I come," he said,
"And don't you make any noise!"
So, toddling off to his trundle-bed,
He dreamt of the pretty toys;

And, as he was dreaming, and angel song
Awakened our Little Boy Blue--
Oh! the years are many, the years are long,
But the little toy friends are true

Aye, faithful to Little Boy Blue they stand,
Each in the same old place--
Awaiting the touch of a little hand,
The smile of a little face;

And they wonder, as waiting the long years through
In the dust of that little chair,
What has become of Little Boy Blue,
Who kissed them and put them there."

Eugene Field, Lullaby-Land, Poems of Childhood, 1904.

Our second son, Owen, is now old enough to enjoy playing with his big brother's toys. It is with bittersweet joy that we can give Micah's toys to Owen for him to throw around, chew on, drool upon. Given Micah's short life with us, we feel blessed every day when we can wake up, and play with our Owen, whom the Lord has mercifully given to us for yet another day. Micah's toys are a daily reminder of God's blessing to us of Owen.

But Micah's toys are also a nearly daily reminder of the life with us that Micah "left behind" and the pain of our loss. Micah always had a little toy doll in his hands, and was often chewing on the head of that little doll. When I showed him one of his little teddy bears, he nearly always gave us an ear-to-ear smile while giving that teddy bear a gut-busting bear hug. Oh, how we long to see our Micah again; to see that big grin, with just those two teeth, to hear him talk again, to see him big that big bear hug.

We hold on to the promise in Scripture that Jesus will, in the end, redeem all things. In Revelation 21:5, Jesus promises us that he is "making all things new." What, then, will become of our relationship with our son Micah, if God is making all things new? What are you doing, Lord, in and through the sorrow of our loss? What will you be doing over perhaps many more years of an earthly life, while our pictures warp and fade, Micah's toys rust, relationships change, children move away and marry, and our memories and minds fade away?

Again and again in scripture, we see God using pain, sin and death for His own purposes. After God used Joseph to save his family, Joseph told his brothers who had, many years earlier, sold him into slavery, "What you intended for evil, God intends for good." Genesis 50:20. So how will Jesus redeem this suffering? Will Jesus make things just like they were before the pea clogged his throat? Or will we, in Heaven, be able to see Micah even more clearly, hold him more closely, and love him even more him more deeply then we ever did while on earth? When will you be done, Lord? How much longer do we have to wait? And when can we see our son again?

Always Giving Thanks

A friend and spiritual mentor encouraged me soon after Micah’s death that we need to be thankful in every circumstance. He encouraged us to find reason to be thankful to God as soon as possible. Ephesians 5:19&20 says, “Speak to one another with psalms, hymns and spiritual songs. Sing and make music in your heart to the Lord, always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.” I found that encouragement very hard to swallow. It is one thing to give thanks when the sun is shining on your face, and “Mr. Bluebird is whistling on your shoulder.” How could we possibly give thanks for the circumstances surrounding Micah’s death?

In the contemporary version of the “Four Spiritual Laws” booklet produced by Campus Crusade for Christ, the booklet includes an illustration of a train pulling a caboose. The train is entitled “Fact,” and the caboose is entitled, “Feelings.” The booklet stresses the importance of the historical life, death and resurrection of Christ on the cross on our behalf, and to trust in that “fact,” regardless of how we “feel” about the circumstances of our lives. In other words, we must look to the scriptures for promises and to trust in those promises even when we don’t feel like God loves us. We must allow the facts of God’s promises to us in scripture to “pull us through” all of life’s circumstances when we have no reason to believe, based upon our circumstances alone, of God’s great promises for us in Christ Jesus.

Last year, on Thanksgiving Day, Heather agreed, on purpose, to work at the Hospital all day. I went to the cemetery and then posted some thoughts entitled, “Thankful for the Living Hope,” in which I expressed thankfulness for our future hope, through Jesus Christ, in the resurrection of our deceased son Micah. But with regard to our particular circumstances, I didn’t particularly feel much like celebrating. Our circumstances didn’t lend themselves to allowing the “caboose” of feelings pull our faith. Our long-awaited son had died that summer, and now we were left on our first holiday without him. God had seemingly answered our prayers for a child with Micah, and then, very suddenly, took him away under tragic circumstances.

On this Thanksgiving Day, I am amazed and thankful for what God has done since I wrote that post last year on Thanksgiving Day. We’ve gone through the myriad of emotions accompanying a sudden death—shock, avoidance, despair, depression, and anger. We have maintained a faith in the goodness of God by focusing on the “facts” of God’s sovereignty, His goodness, His mercy and His love.

This year, from an emotional perspective, we have seen a gradual turning (or returning) of joy in our life. Particularly in the birth of our second son, Owen, we have had occasion for our home to be full of laughter, smiles, and baby sounds once again. This Thanksgiving Day, we continue to be thankful for the same things we were thankful for last year, namely, the goodness and mercy of God demonstrated to us through Christ. But in addition to being grateful for these eternal promises, we are also thankful this year for our new son, Owen. We are thankful for how God has maintained and strengthened our marriage. We are thankful for a family who has supported us in our grieving. We are thankful for friends like you who have loved and supported us so well. On behalf of Heather, Owen and I, Happy Thanksgiving to you and your family, and may you be able to “give thanks in all circumstances,” whether those circumstances easily lend themselves to praising God, or because of your hope, that through Christ, we will someday be grateful for what God has done in and through more difficult circumstances.