Update on Hope for the Mourning

This past Saturday, Heather and I hosted about 100 people at Nokomis Community Center in honor of Micah's Fifth Birthday. We were so appreciative of everyone who was able to attend. This year’s celebration was a significant milestone because it would have been his 5th birthday. How we wish he could be here to celebrate his own birthday with his three younger siblings. While nothing on this side of eternity can make up for his loss, we are always so encouraged by the friends and family members who attend in Micah’s honor. Once again, we feel so grateful for your love, encouragement and support. As most of you already know, Heather and I created the Micah Wessman Foundation in 2009 in order to assist other families grieving the death of a young child. Since October of 2011, the organization has been administered through the Hope for the Mourning website. The website includes a significant amount of teaching for parents grieving the loss of a young child, and includes links to outside resources. Additionally, the website provides the opportunity for grieving parents, or friends of grieving parents, to request that a care package be sent to them. This care package includes three books written on grief, all from a Christian perspective, and for those receiving gift cards in the United States, two restaurant gift cards. Since January 1, 2013, Hope for the Mourning has sent 63 care packages. While most of these care package requests come from the continental United States, we also have received requests from all around the world. By reason of these care packages, we have been blessed to communicate with numerous grieving parents. Now with three living children in our home, and my busy law practice, we wouldn’t be able to manage the logistics of the care package ministry without the support of my mom, Karen, who has taken on the responsibilities associated with the care packages. Thanks to her work, grieving parents from around the world are receiving care packages. Lord willing, we will continue to operate Hope for the Mourning and the care package ministry. As you might imagine, sending this number of care packages comes with significant costs. (One care package costs approximately $100). As always, the organization would be happy to receive donations of any amount, which of course are fully tax-deductible. Whether now, at year-end, or at any time in the future, please keep our organization in mind. On behalf of Heather, Owen, Brendan and Kinsley, thanks again for your love and support!

Casualties of War

I have recently been reading an historical account about the American military campaigns in North Africa and Italy in World War II. In it, much discussion centers around the decisions made by the American leadership, and whether the high level of "casualties" suffered by the Americans in various battles were worth the strategic benefits obtained. Until recently, I found it curious how a "war casualty” is calculated. A “casualty of war” is defined to include those killed, injured or displaced by war. I previously felt that the casualty of war figure was misleading because, in measuring the impact to a particular side of a particular battle, the number of soldiers killed is an altogether different impact than the number of soldiers injured or taken prisoner. But having lost a child (albeit not in a war), I believe that the "casulty of war" definition is in fact appropriate. As the particular account I have read demonstrates, the collateral damage to war extends far beyond simply those who died. Those suffering physical injuries during a battle (a) might not be able to return to battle at all and (b) regardless of whether they do, the impact of their physical injuries will impact them for the rest of their lives. Apart from physical injuries, how many thousands of war veterans suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder, either diagnosed or not, by reason of their involvement in the war. Trully, the negative impact of war experiences lasts a lifetime. Simillarly, it is nearly impossible to calculate the emotional and relational impact that a child’s death has on friends, families, communities. Just as I ignorantly limited a “war casualty” to a solider killed in battle, so also would it be ignorant to think that the only persons adversely impacted by the unexpected death of a child are the immediate family members. Grandparents of the deceased are left powerless to bring their child back from the dead, or to fully assuage the grief of their own children, the greiving parents. Friends and family members, who might previously have enjoyed close relationships with the greiving parents, lose the same ability to relate to their friends, the grieving parents. Work colleagues of the parents lose the drive and desire of the grieving parents as the mom or dadd shift their mental attention away from their careers in order to grieve. Even the physicians treating the child wonder how a life could have been saved had the child been treated differently. As we seek to minister to our fellow greiving parents, I think it is helpful to remember how broad the death impacts the communities and, as a result, be open to how the Lord is not only using a child's death to work on the hearts of the parents (certainly one "casualty") but also the broader community, many of whom are also "casualties" of the death of the child.

Redemptive Memory

Many grieving parents tend to “live in the past.”  They hold on to everything about those moments, now gone, that they shared with their children. If there is nothing outside of our selves, then I suppose this is right—those fleeting moments are all we have with our children. Unfortunately, as we can attest, if we focus exclusively on those wonderful, sweet memories of times with our children, we are also likely to focus at times on the circumstances surrounding the death of our child, including the terror and great grief.

But God does not view history the way we do.  In his book, A Grace Revealed, theologian Jerry Sittser describes the importance of using “redemptive memory” so that we can try to understand, at least in part, how God is using our history to shape us more like him.  “Redemption is worked out within the framework of time, which is why it is important to examine how God functions both within and beyond it.”  Sittser, Grace Revealed, 153.   Sittser, who himself lost his wife, mother and daughter in a car accident about twenty years ago, was able to come to the point where, while certainly not glad that the accident occurred, could see the numerous blessings to him and his family, from an eternal perspective, that arose from the accident. 

While we are stuck “inside” time, God views time as occurring instantaneously.  If we view human tragedy the way that God does, we cannot define a particular event based upon its impact at any one particular time. God is working for our good through sequences of moments that are intended to make us more like him.   Consider how water drips on a rock.  At any one particular point in time, there will be no felt or seen impact of that water on the rock. But over many years, and certainly many hundreds of years, the water will change the shape of the rock.  Similarly, God is using our history, both the tragic events, as well as the mundane, day-to-day trials, to make us more like him. 

The great news of the gospel is, among many other things, that we are part of the larger redemptive story and that no one event, however, tragic, can and should define us.  The cross, in itself, is the most egregious event every perpetrated on another human.  But Easter Sunday morning, and then Pentacost, and then two thousand years of the working of the Holy Spirit, and then our testimonies, demonstrate that the legacy of the Cross is not just the unjust sentence, the inhumane torture, and death.  It is the redemption of those who are called by God.  

In our case, the idea of “redemptive memory” does not mean that we should forget the great grief of how Micah died—how if, in any one of a number of instances, things would have gone differently, he would still be with us today.  But at the same time, it is far too early for me to write a definitive account of Micah’s life and legacy.  The way in which Micah died cannot be viewed as a self-contained event having meaning within itself.  It must be viewed along with the various and numerous grace-filled blessings that have arisen in our lives by reason of it. Just as the Cross of Christ cannot be viewed outside of its redemptive impact on human history, so also we grieving parents must view our child’s death in light of what God has done, and continues to do, by reason of his or her death.

Yesterday at the Cemetery

It was 4 years ago yesterday since Micah went home to be with The Lord. We miss him terribly, but are eternally grateful for the promise, in Christ of seeing him again!

Aware of the Loss...Grateful for the Outcome

Jerry Sitser is a professor of theology who, a number of years ago, was involved in a car crash in which his mother, his wife and one of his daughters were all killed.  Sittser has written about his grief journey on a number of occasions, including in his most recent book, “A Grace Revealed.”  In it, he reflects on the absence of his daughter and its impact on him and his family. 

He writes, “Her presence would affect the entire dynamic of the home, no doubt for the good.  Then again, her absence has done that too.  It could have turned out tragically, and I could be writing words of lament right now instead of words of gratitude.  But it did not turn out tragically, not in the long run anyway, though event itself was, and still is, tragic.  We feel sorrow, to be sure; but it is a sweet sorrow.  We are aware of the loss but grateful for the outcome.  It is a tension we have learned to embrace.” Sittser, A Grace Revealed, 240-241. 

Next week, our family will honor Micah on the four year anniversary of his death.  Like Sittser, I have seen numerous blessings arise from Micah’s absence.  To be sure, we’d take him back in a heartbeat.  I would not go so far as to say that I am “grateful for the outcome,” as Sittser writes.  I am, however, grateful for how the depths of great grief in my life have removed some of the deeply-rooted self-dependence in my life and required greater dependence on God.  This, in turn, has led me to consider how other, smaller and seemingly less significant trials might be part of God’s plan for creating greater dependence upon God, in my life and my family’s life.  If Joseph told his brothers, “What you intended for evil, God intended for good,” can we not trust that all of our trials are similarly for our own good? I hope that you, too, will consider the power of God to use trials to accomplish His purposes in your life. 

Rejecting the Idols of the Immediate

“If then you have been raised with Christ, seek the things that are above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things that are above, not things that are on earth. For you have died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God. When Christ, who is your life appears, then you also will appear with him in glory.” Colossians 3:1-4.

In this passage from Ephesians, the Apostle Paul calls us to reject a focus on “this” life and instead focus on matters of eternal significance. How difficult it is for most of us to “set our minds on things above,” when it seems that 99% of our waking moments are consumed by thoughts of what I refer to as the “idols of the immediate.” We spend most of our time thinking about good things--workplace pressures, financial needs; family matter. In our case, we are knee-deep in crying babies, changing diapers. Others might spend time thinking about social life, sports, or entertainment.

Regardless of what interests and background we have, we tend to surround ourselves with people who think the same way we do, value the same things we do, and reinforce for us, in our own minds, that same value system as to “idols of the immediate.” I recall a humorous conversation with a client of mine about how certain professionals in my industry (attorneys) value themselves and their work. It became clear to this client that the only people who were concerned about certain titles within our industry are the attorneys themselves—our clients don’t care. Similarly, I wonder how much we consider “important” in our minds or our own social circles are just idols of the immediate—that is, empty promises of satisfaction that, if followed wholeheartedly throughout a lifetime, will only lead to disillusionment and then ultimately destruction.

Every once in a while, I re-discover a continuing, ongoing blessing from Micah’s homegoing. When a great calamity strikes, such as the unexpected death of one son, it is such much easier to pick up on those idols of the immediate and reject them for what they are, and then refocus our lives and energies where they ought to be--on the eternal. I’m certain that, in the absence of Micah’s death, Heather and I would be more closely tied, in heart, thought and action, in achieving what we want on this life (“things on this earth”). For us, Micah’s death meant that we could more easily focus on matters of eternal significance.

Currently Unknown Recipients of Grace

Following Micah's death, we received a kind gift of a new cherry tree in honor of Micah. When we planted it in the backyard of our South Minneapolis home in the fall of 2009, we of course had no idea whether that little tree would live.  This past winter, we sold our home in South Minneapolis and moved to a new home in the western suburbs. This week, I was surpised to receive an email from the new homeowner with a picture of the cherry tree (which Heather and I liked to refer to as "Micah's Tree.")  This year's blossoms were better than in any previous year, and the new homeowner(s) will enjoy Micah's tree for years to come. While we wish we could have brought the tree with us to our new home, I was happy that the tree appears in good health. 

In the case of Micah's Tree, a previously-unplanned and unknown recipient now benefits from the gift originally intended for us.  As God works in our lives to change us and our loved ones to be more like Him, do we really have any idea who will benefit from this?  In many cases, we have a good handle on who the recipients of God's grace will be.  But I think I often limit the reach of God's power, as if God will only impact those individuals that I currently know or see in front of me.  God is not bound by any such artificial and human limitations.  God's power is, as Paul said in Romans, "beyond tracing out," and his power beyond anything we can even imagine.  Along with numerous other grieving parents, I look forward to the day of our Great Reunion, when we can begin to realize how God used our greatest sufferings to achieve his purposes, even in the midst of great grief.