Do Christians Grieve Differently?

In a recent blog post, John Piper shared a letter he wrote to a recently bereaved mother.  www.desiringgod.org/blog/posts/letter-to-a-parent-grieving-the-loss-of-a-child.

Particularly if you are a fellow grieving parent, I would encourage you to read Pastor John's post.  I appreciate Pastor John's thoughtful, grace-filled response to this grieving parent.  I also thought his post would be a good answer to the question (not asked of him directly) of "Do Christians Grieve Differently?

On the one hand, we might not outwardly appear to grieve differently.  We mourn.  We cry.  We hurt like we've never hurt before.  Our ways of dealing with this grief, as Christians, are all over the board. I've known parents who go to the cemetery every day; others who have not been back since the funeral.  Most of us like to share memories of our child; a few don't.  But regardless, all of us hurt.  Piper likened our loss to an amputation, which I believe is an apt description, to the extent any description can be. 

While we may outwardly exhibit grief like the rest of the world, Christians do not inwardy grieve like rest of the world.  We are always grieving, but also always rejoicing, knowing what the future has in store.  We know, for certain, that we will see our son Micah again.  As stated in 1 Thessalonians 4:13, we grieve in hope for what is to come. For just as certainly as Christ died and rose again, so He certainly redeemed the life of our son and the lives  of millions of other children who have died as infants or young children.  The outward grief is merely a function of time--the anticipated length of time we, as parents, have to wait to see our children again, and the time of sin, disease and death that thwarts our God-given desire to raise full and complete families.  These times, however long, will ultimately pass away, and then at long last we will see our son, again, by the grace of God. 

Deliverance Through Weakness

In a recent sermon, Bethlehem Baptist Preaching Pastor Jason Meyer discussed how the “twin peaks” of praise and hope can arise even from within the “valley” of suffering, if we suffer in Christ.  http://www.hopeingod.org/sermon/god-all-comfort. Meyer describes how, if we turn our heart’s affections towards God, then our lives will ultimately overflow in a lifestyle of praise towards God even in times of suffering. Meyer cautioned, however, that suffering will not have this desired effect for those of us who, at various times, have felt like we needed to respond to suffering by pretending to “have it together” so as to avoid the humbling experience of receiving the assistance of others. 

Meyer preached that,

“Some of us are in danger of not being worshippers because we are not in touch with our weakness. Sometimes people feel pressure in the church to act like they have it altogether. Let me be frank. If you act like you always have it altogether, then you make praise impossible because you act as though you don’t need to be delivered—you act like you have arrived and don’t need grace or God anymore. How do can you urge someone to praise God with you and enjoy his deliverance if you act like you never needed it in the first place? Being in touch with your weakness and your need for deliverance, primes the pump for praise to come when the deliverance comes!”

In my case, I think my own attempts to be “outwardly religious” hampered the ability of others to minister to Heather and me in the time since Micah died.  I remember specific instances of hoping that Heather might not say or do certain things because I thought they might either seem “Un-christian” or “un-spiritual” to fellow unbelievers.

This prideful, “perception over reality” approach to suffering is diametrically opposed to Paul’s Christ-centered approach.  Rather than hide his weakness, Paul heard God telling him, “…My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.” (2 Corinthians 12:9).   If you are like me, you need to let pride die.  After all, what is more important to you—a perception that you have it all together, or submitting to the humility of accepting God’s assistance through others, and therefore having Christ’s power rest on you? 

Kinsley Marie

Dear Friends,

Heather and I are very excited to announce the birth of our precious little girl, Kinsley Marie Wessman, born at 11:56 am on Tuesday, April 2nd. Kinsley weighed 7 pounds, 9 ounces at birth.

She was 21 inches long. Both Kinsley and Heather are doing well.

As some of you know, we were expecting our oldest child, Micah, to be a girl before he was born in 2008. After Micah's unexpected death, we were blessed with two more sons, Owen (now almost 3) and Brendan (20 months). Now, with the actual (and not just expected) birth of a girl, we feel like God has brought us full circle, and that Kinsley's story will always be tied to Micah's.

Along with David, we thank God for Kinsley, the fourth of our undeserved little gifts from Him.

"Bless The Lord, o my soul,
And forget not all his benefits...
Who satisfies you with good
So that your youth is renewed like the eagle's."
Psalm 103:2,5.

On behalf of Heather and three proud older brothers, thank you for your prayers and support.
Cory

Changing Conception of God

I have recently reflected upon how our grief following Micah’s death has begun to rid us of certain religious pretenses—certain misconceptions of God that, in light of all that has happened, need to be thrown out.  Our conception of how God works, and who He is, has changed by reason of Micah’s death. Before Micah died, we would have pat “Sunday school” answers whenever faced with a potential trauma.  Intellectually, I would (wrongly) take comfort in the (false) belief that God’s purpose in difficult personal situations would be to “rescue” me so as to avoid personal discomfort. 

In the intervening years since Micah’s death, I think our relationship with God was marked, in large part, by shock.  While we have depended wholly on God, we’ve also not really thought a whole lot about leaning on the same God whose kindness and mercy took our son away from us.

Now, as we emerge more and more from the “fog” of shock as part of the grieving process, we ask these questions once again.  This time, however, we can’t give the pat “Sunday school” answer any more; not only is this conception of God too superficial, but it just doesn’t work.  In speaking with other grieving parents, the result for many of us is a huge intellectual “void” in our lives. We don’t question the existence of God or even that He is involved in our lives.  It is that we cannot provide an answer to the deepest, most significant questions in our lives, a question that is at the forefront of the minds of most grieving parents I know.  The question, “why did God allow this to happen?” is often met with just silence. 

We answer it with a Job-like silence, a silence that (I pray) brings glory and honor to God.  We don’t know, and all we can do is keep trusting in Him, changing whatever previous conception we had of God that is demonstrably false.   Recently, I’ve tried to encourage myself that having a changing conception of God is a good thing.  After all, the Pharisees had a very wrong conception of God, and if the Pharisees had listened to Jesus and become His disciples, their conceptions of God would have been dramatically altered.  Job’s conceptions of God changed; certainly the friends of Job who gave him “counsel” had an altered conception of God through Job’s sufferings. 

The downside, of course, to a changing conception of God is that we can’t control God.  I can control a God (or, at least I thought I could) who works to provide me with good things when I want in the manner that I want.  For all of us humans who endure suffering, God uses this suffering in our lives to move us beyond the “pat” Sunday School answers to open up our minds to increase our understanding of our Great God, a God whose means are “beyond our tracing out.” 

Red Hair & Faulty Ultrasounds

Brett and Mandy Peterson are friends of ours and fellow grieving parents.  One of Brett and Mandy’s four children, Chase, died tragically a few years ago.  One of Chase’s striking physical characteristics was his red hair.  Just recently, Mandy gave birth to their fourth child, a son, Tanner.  Brett and Mandy were surprised and humbled to discover that Tanner, too, has red hair, just as like his big brother Chase.  It seems that through Tanner’s red hair, God has reminded Brett and Mandy of his continued presence and blessing even after unspeakable loss.

During Heather’s pregnancy with Micah, she had no less than three separate ultrasounds. Based upon at least two separate ultrasounds, we were told that our little Micah would be a girl.  As a result, Micah was known as “Haley” in those months immediately preceding “her” birth.  Heather had a number of “pink” baby showers, and as of the moment of “Haley’s” birth, our home was filled with a lot of pink clothes and baby items.  In God’s unsearchable humor and wisdom, the ultrasound machines (or technicians) were wrong, and “Haley” turned out to be a boy. Through Micah’s birth, death, and two more boys, we’ve held on to all those pink clothes.  Now, with the expected birth of our baby #4 just weeks away, Heather and I have remarked at God’s sense of humor.  How we’ve come full circle with those pink clothes.  In God’s plan, a plan that is certainly his, not ours, those pink clothes will be used. 

As we have endured the grieving process together, we have tried to look for some of God’s blessings to us in and through our grief.  Since we believe there are no such things as “chance” occurrences, we can attempt to discern meaning in the “small things” of life.  God is sovereign over all things, whether wars and famines, nations and calamities--even the gender of our children, their hair colors, and faulty ultrasound machines.  I think that God sometimes uses these seemingly “small” circumstances in life to provide us with a sense of irony (perhaps humor?) and to remind us of who really is in control.  For that, let’s praise Him all the more. 

Abraham's Faith

Heather and I recently studied the Old Testament account of Abraham’s near-sacrifice of his only son, Isaac.  God miraculously provided Abraham and his wife, Sarah, with a son, Isaac, so that God could fulfill his promise to Abraham, the father of Israel. In Genesis chapter 22, God directs Abram to take Isaac, the very son through whom God was going to fulfill his promise to Abraham, go up onto a mountain, and murder him as a sacrifice to God.  Amazingly, Abraham obeyed without hesitation and without complaint. Then, just as Abraham was about to lower the knife upon his long-awaited son, God provided a ram as a substitute sacrifice in lieu of his son. 

This is truly an amazing story of faith. The extent to which Abraham was “tested” makes the entire story seem like an ancient Greek myth, particularly in an age like ours. But rather than dismiss it as such, I’m sure there are numerous applications to each of us for how Abraham acted in faith.  For me, there are two ways in which Abraham’s faith is convicting.    

First, are we willing to follow God at any cost?  In other words, do we really love God more than anything else in our lives, even our own children? The greatest commandment is not “Love your children with all your heart ….,” but instead, “Love the Lord with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind.” (Luke 10:27).  Thankfully, we are not being called by God to bring our children to the sides of mountaintops to kill our own children.  But whether you lost a child or face or types of significant sufferings, the question remains: Are you still willing to trust in God, and love God, even after what God allowed to happen?  Christ’s death on the cross demonstrated that there is no “line to be crossed” by which we can say that the cost we suffered is too much to bear, and that we can no longer follow him. 

Second, is my faith such that I believe God can accomplish his purposes through any means?  If you are honest, I’m guessing that your initial reaction to Abraham’s action in following God, even to the point of sacrificing his son, was “what was Abraham thinking?”  That is, what was he thinking that God was going to accomplish through the death of Issac and, therefore, why should he obey God?  

But God was not “testing” Abraham’s logic; it was a test of his faith. Abraham trusted that God could accomplish his purposes through any means.  In Hebrews 11:19, the author says about Abraham, “He considered that God was able even to raise him from the dead, from which, figuratively speaking, he did receive him back.” 

In Abraham’s case, the benefits of trusting God, even when he did not understand his ways, were two-fold.  On the one hand, he received his son back.  The earthly life of his long-sought after son was no consolation to whatsoever when, in the moment of testing, he faced the very real prospect that his long-promised son would be a victim of his own knife, his own hand, his own sacrifice.  And, secondly, he could marvel all the more at God’s sovereign work in his life.  Abraham would have not had the opportunity to worship God’s special provision for him in this circumstance had he not “stepped out” in faith. 

I pray that you will, like me, follow Abraham’s lead in loving God more than anything else.  I pray that you will trust him more, so that you can see how we intervenes in our lives to provide reason to honor, love and trust Him.    

The Greatness Found in a Short Life

By reason of God's sovereign power and wisdom, we can consider even the shortest human life to be a great work of God.  Pastor David Mathis of Bethlehem Baptist Church encouraged me this morning with his words from his message given last week at the funeral of the infant son of his good friend.  For words of encouragement and wisdom to grieving parents, see
http://www.hopeingod.org/node/47651