Dying Young

What is the worst tragedy that could happen to a human? Is it dying young, or is there something worse that could happen? In his book, “Screwtape Letters,” author C.S. Lewis creates fictional correspondence between two devils: a senior, more experienced evil spirit named Screwtape; and his young, inexperienced understudy named Wormwood. In Screwtape’s “Letter No. 28,” Screwtape lays out for Wormwood why it is better, from the devil’s point of view, that humans be “kept safe” and be allowed to live as long as possible. According to Screwtape, middle age is an ideal time for temptation because a human might succumb to temptation through one of two forms: through despair, by reason of one’s self-determined failure; or comfort, if a man or woman achieves worldly success. With regard to the later temptation, Lewis says “…prosperity knits a man to the world. He feels that he is “finding his place in it,” when really it is finding its place in him….You will notice that the young are generally less unwilling to die than the middle-aged and the old.” Lewis, Screwtape Letters, 143. Had Micah lived a full life, would he have succumbed to the temptation to despair by reason of unfilled dreams? Or would he have been, in Lewis’s words, “knit to the world” because of worldly success? As much as we miss Micah in our home, we know that he is without the daily disappointments that accompany living on earth. Micah has been released from the thousands of heartaches, temptations and maladies he would have otherwise experienced on a daily basis had he lived a “full” life on earth. Instead, we are certain that Micah suffers no lack of joy now, in His presence. The Psalmist proclaims, “You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore.” Psalm 16:11. One of the blessings of Micah’s unexpected death has been the recurring emphasis to make Micah’s current joy my own joy. In other words, since Micah’s death has in no way diminished his opportunity to make the greatest possible joy (God) his own, we must seek to avoid the temptation to “make ourselves at home in the world” and instead do what we must in order to make God our greatest joy. The worst tragedy is not dying young; it is losing sight of Jesus, one’s greatest possible joy.

Giving our Children to the Lord

This past Sunday, Heather and I were blessed with the opportunity to dedicate our third son, Brendan, during our church’s child dedication service. Just as we had done with Micah and Owen, we committed to raise Brendan to know and treasure Jesus Christ above all else. Among other words of dedication, we stated that we would “…release all worldly claims upon Brendan’s life, in the hope that Brendan would belong wholly to God forever.” These words have become so meaningful to us, having been spoken by Pastor Kenny twice over Micah (once at his dedication, once as we removed Micah’s life support and he died) and now once over each of our two living children. In reading the book of 1 Samuel recently, I had occasion to reflect upon the act of dedicating our children to God. In the first chapter of 1 Samuel, we are told that Hannah, despite her strong desire to have children, was not able to do so. Hannah vowed that if the Lord chose to provide her a son, she would “give” the child to the Lord. Once Hannah received the gift of a son, Samuel, she fulfilled her earlier vow. Once she had weaned Samuel, she brought him to the temple, and gave him in service to the high priest Eli, “so that he may appear in the presence of the Lord and dwell there forever.” (1 Samuel 1:22) We shouldn’t be surprised that the Lord looked favorably upon Hannah and Samuel. While his mother Hannah had three more sons and two daughters (1 Sam 2:21) we are told that Samuel himself “continued to grow both in stature and in favor with the LORD and also with man.” (1 Sam 2:26). In Hannah’s case, she understood that she received the gift of Samuel only because God had chosen to answer her prayers. She had no “worldly claims” upon Samuel’s life. In fact, whether we dedicate our children or not, and whether we believe it or not, all of our children belong to the Lord. Having lost Micah like we did, we have an acute awareness of how fragile life is and how our children’s lives are truly in the Lord’s hands, to do with as He wills. Do we truly believe that, or are we exerting “worldly claims” upon the lives of our children? As in Hannah’s case, when we dedicate our children to the Lord, it is not as if we are sacrificing our child’s best interests to a lesser objective. Samuel had a tremendous influence on the history of Israel, all stemming from Hannah’s dedication. In dedicating our children to the Lord, our child’s best interests, and the Glory of God, are one and the same.

8 Months and 28 Days

Today we passed another milestone of sorts. Just as we have seen our second son, Owen, outlive his older brother Micah, so also our youngest, Brendan, has now lived longer on earth than his oldest brother. Today, May 6th, Brendan turns 8 month and 28 days, the exact age that Micah was when he died. A few weeks ago, I spent about two late-night hours holding Brendan, who was sick and not able to sleep. Perhaps because of this upcoming milestone, I felt blessed that night just to hold him close, listen to his voice, and compare him with his oldest brother. They look so much the same: the wide grin, the blue eyes, the near-white blonde hair. They are both gentle in spirit, pleased to just giggle and take all of life in. Our earthly lifetimes are certainly too short of a timeframe to begin to understand all of the possible ramifications of each of our lives, including Micah’s. But I am increasingly certain of one implication, to me personally, of Micah’s death. I am so grateful, and so appreciative to God, for every waking moment with our two younger boys. “When I look at your heavens, the work of your fingers, the moon and the stars, which you have set in place, what is man that you are mindful of him, and the son of man that you care for him?” Psalm 8:3-4. Who are we to receive these blessings from God? Everything is grace. Nothing is deserved. Everything is extra. Nothing is owed to me. Will you give your living kids an extra hug, knowing what an extra privilege you have to parent living children?

What is that to you?

At the end of the Gospel of John, Jesus predicts that Peter will ultimately be crucified because of his willingness to follow Jesus’ call. Jesus remarks that “…when you are old, you will stretch out your hands, and another will…carry you where you do not want to go.” John 21:18. Upon receiving what must have been very unwelcome news, Peter asks Jesus about the fate of his fellow disciple, John. Jesus responds, “If it is my will that he remain until I come, what is that to you? You follow me!” John 21:22. Peter abided by his master’s direction to follow Him, at whatever the cost. Christian tradition has it that Peter was ultimately crucified, upside down, for his faith. In contrast to Peter, John lived a long earthly life. This exchange between Peter and Jesus is noteworthy not only for the fact that Jesus was predicting two very different “callings” for two of his closest disciples, but also Jesus’ lack of explanation for these two different callings. Why wasn’t Peter allowed a longer earthly life, during which time Peter could have provided leadership to the church? Why was Peter’s life shortened by a brutal martyr’s death? Why wasn’t it John, rather than Peter, who was executed? Heather and I have sometimes envied other families who have their entire family intact. Why can’t we be like them? Why have we been “called” to be a family with a missing member? In his book, “The Call,” Os Guiness encourages us to discern the nature of our life’s calling from deep-seated desires that, if left unchecked, result in envy. He writes, “Envy will not embrace what is fate-given, chance-given, or God-given.” According to Guiness, envy is “essentially profane,” and that if we are guilty of envy, our grudge is “not ultimately against the person whom we envy, but against God.” In order to avoid developing a “grudge against God” through envy, it seems imperative to keep Biblical truth in focus. Do we think that God exists to serve us—to make our life “fair,” to serve our every whim and desire, even misplaced ones? Or, do we exist to bring Glory to God, for the ultimate good of ourselves and our fellow believers? Is life all about an egalitarian sense of fairness in accomplishment and consumption, or about something more? For Heather and me, it seems that in order avoid the unhappiness that accompanies envy, we have to avoid focusing “horizontally” on those families around us that have I all of their members intact, and to focus “vertically” on our God and His great promises in Christ Jesus. I hear Jesus telling us, “What is that to you that I have granted other families the opportunity to live together for a longer period of time? Have I not blessed you, Cory and Heather, with every spiritual blessing, justified each of you and Micah freely by grace through my blood shed on the cross, and promised you eternal salvation?” Are not these promises sufficient for you? Is this not a wonderful calling, sufficient for a lifetime of grateful adoration of Me?

Looking for the Living Among the Dead

On Easter morning, when the women went to Jesus' tomb, they found it empty. The angel asked them, "Why do you look for the living among the dead? He is not here, but has risen..." Luke 24:5-6.


Yesterday, Heather and I and our two younger boys visited Micah's grave. We want our two living boys to eventually understand that while their oldest brother is deceased, they can share with us our hope of seeing him again, through the Resurrection of Jesus. In fact, it is only because of the Resurrection can we go to the cemetery, remember Micah, and wait for the Second Coming of Jesus. Just as Jesus was not to be found among the dead, so also our little son is not to be found among the dead. He is more alive, now, then He ever was. On this Easter morning, we rejoice together, with all the saints, as we thank Jesus for what He has done for us and for Micah.

Receiving an Invitation to Enter Into Grief

Before we lost Micah, I was under numerous misconceptions about how we ought to support those in grief. One of these was a misunderstanding about how to best support those in grief in the context of everyday conversation. I incorrectly assumed that any reference to the deceased would trigger certain memories or emotions that he or she had not previously experienced. In reality, a grieving person could tell you that you cannot harm them by discussing the deceased. A grieving person does not “pack away” memories of the deceased into the attic of the mind, and then only bring out these memories when someone else refers to the deceased. Anyone grieving the death of a loved one will tell you that thoughts of their loved one are nearly constantly on their mind.

In our case, we have found that, when a friend or family member is kind enough to converse about Micah, the conversation brings a flood of emotions, not because we have not already been grieving inwardly, but because the conversation provides an outlet to share these emotions. Rather than resulting in unwelcome emotions, sharing memories with us provides us with a welcomed outlet for our emotion.

According to our mentors Pat and Judy Misener, it is incumbent upon us, as the grieving parents, to grant others “permission” to enter into grief. In other words, because friends and family members don’t realize that it actually benefits us to talk about our deceased child, we need to invite them to do so. Whether we initiate conversations surrounding Micah, or even create new traditions or activities to remember Micah, it is good and healthy for us to “invite” others to grieve along with us.

If you know a grieving parent, I encourage you to accept any invitation offered to you to enter into their grief by conversing with them about the deceased loved one.

Micah's Age in Heaven

In the last scene of the movie, “Tree of Life,” the main characters are shown walking together through the ocean surf in front of a beautiful sunset. The movie follows a family of five (three sons—just like ours) through various times of life. While the disjointed plot of the movie does not provide us with many of the details, we do learn at one point that one of the boys had died unexpectedly. This final scene of the movie, in which all three of the boys are pictured together with their parents, provides a moving image for us, as we await our great reunion in Heaven.

Of particular interest in this final scene was the fact that the deceased son was pictured as a young boy, and not as an adult, like the other two sons who reached adulthood. Instead, he is shown to us as he was portrayed earlier in the movie--at about 7 to 10 years old. For these parents, they enjoyed not only a joyful reunion with their sons, but were reunited with their long-deceased child according to how they, as parents, last remembered him.

As grieving parents, Heather and I have often wondered how old Micah will appear to us when we see him again in Heaven. Will he be 9 months, or will he have grown older in the interim, just as we have grown older here on earth? Like other grieving parents we speak with, it is our hope that we might be able to see our son as he appeared to us, so that we might be able to not only enjoy our son’s presence again, but enjoy the very process of seeing him “grow up.”

I was surprised to learn that many Christian theologians down through the centuries have asked the question of how old we will appear to be in Heaven. Thomas Aquinas, for example, argued that regardless of our age when we die here on earth, we will all be about 33 years of age in Heaven—about the age of Jesus when we was crucified and resurrected. The theory is that, since this is the age when most humans reach a peak of physical strength, but before the human body starts to degenerate, then this is the age we will all be, as pictures of perfection. According to contemporary author Hank Hanegraaf, “If the blueprints for our glorified bodies are in the DNA, then it would stand to reason that our bodies will be resurrected at the optimal stage of development determined by our DNA.”

Others suggest that the New Earth will be filled with people of all different ages. For example, in Isaiah 11:6-9 we are told that, in the New Earth, “…the infants will play near the hole of the cobra, and the young child put his hand into the viper’s nest…” If infants are going to play next to cobras and vipers in the New Earth, then not everyone can be 33 years of age! Instead, grieving parents might have the opportunity to parent their children through those years that they thought they had lost with them here on earth.

I’ve decided that it is OK for us to consider how we will see Micah again on that wonderful day. While we don’t know for certain how Micah will appear to us, we can be certain that God will reveal Micah to us in a way that will give us the most joy and God the most glory. For many children, Christmas is so enjoyable because, regardless of what they receive as gifts, they know that they will not be disappointed. Similarly, we as believers can look forward to Heaven, because while we might not know what Heaven will be like, we know we won’t be disappointed.